Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Halloween History...Like It Or Not...

     You’d be living under a rock if you DIDN’T know today marks the holiday Western Culture refers to as "Halloween". I’d also doubt there is any reader of this blog who can claim they have NEVER gone "Trick or Treating", seen a carved pumpkin, bobbed for apples, quaked as a child at the image of a "witch" on a broom, or attempted to avoid the bad luck of a black cat crossing their path. It’s just what we DO in our culture and it’s "tradition".

     But how many of you have ever given thought to WHY these activities and beliefs have become so widely performed or accepted in our culture (or anything ELSE we do out of "tradition")? That’s what I thought…we really DON’T give it any thought as we’re preparing our buckets of candy to hand out to the Trick or Treaters or dressing our children in costumes to send out door to door for candy…it’s just what we DO out of "tradition".

     Unfortunately for you, dear readers, no one has submitted further responses to that previous blog, which will not be named, so I am essentially BAAAAAAAACK! Consider this history lecture YOUR fault then…The History of Halloween 101.

     Behind the name... Halloween (or the Hallow E'en as they call it in Ireland) means All Hallows Eve, or the night before the 'All Hallows', also called 'All Hallowmas', or 'All Saints', or 'All Souls' Day, observed on November 1. In old English the word Hallow meant 'sanctify'. Roman Catholics, Episcopalians and Lutherans used to observe All Hallows Day to honor all Saints in heaven, known or unknown. They used to consider it with all solemnity as one of the most significant observances of the Church year. In the 7th century, Pope Boniface IV introduced All Saints' Day to replace the pagan festival of the dead. It was observed on May 13. Later, Gregory III changed the date to November 1.

     Despite this connection with the Roman Church, the American version of Halloween Day celebration owes its origin to the ancient (pre-Christian) Druidic fire festival called "Samhain", celebrated by the Celts in Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. Samhain is pronounced "sow-in", with "sow" rhyming with cow.

     "Samhain, or All Hallowtide, the feast of the dead in Pagan and Christian times, signalized the close of harvest and the initiation of the winter season, lasting till May.

     Before Christianity, our previous European ancestors practiced many spiritual beliefs that were deeply entrenched in the recognition of lunar cycles and seasons…they HAD to…the seasons and crops were their sustenance and they developed rituals to honor or "mark" these seasons and beliefs. Also of importance to these agricultural populations, was the honoring of the sacred feminine, which they referred to as "Earth"…the earth was the giver and taker of life (thus, Mother Earth today).

     Traditionally, as mentioned earlier, Samhain marked the beginning of the Earth moving into its darkness as winter approached, the harvest was gathered, and plants died back. This natural and cyclic process of the "dying" of Earth became a symbolic time to honor "death" and the passing of all things into the darkness.

     Because it was a natural time to honor death, early Pagans also believed it was appropriate at this time to honor all death, including those that had passed before them. It was believed that on this day, Samhain, the spirits of the dead were more accessible and returned to walk on the earth in spirit form, bringing prophecies of what was ahead. In current Pagan practice, Samhain marks the time when "the veil between the worlds is the thinnest", or the moment when communication with spirits is heightened.

     In their honoring of these spirits, Pagan tradition mandated the spirits be "fed" from the bounties of the recent harvest as a means of sharing these fruits and also to appease. They would place bowls of food, drink, and/or fruit on their doorsteps, believing the spirits would partake of this bounty at their own free will.

     The early Pagans also incorporated the ideas of "mischievous" or "bad" spirits returning to walk the earth on this night as well. Although there was no belief in EVIL, Pagans felt there were spirits who might get "stuck" in the physical world and be unable to return behind the veil and also spirits who returned as pranksters, impeding others of the deceased from re-entering the afterlife. They also would place candles in their windows to "light the path" or encourage the spirits to move along on their journey.

     This is where the tradition of the Jack o’ Lantern was born. However, the American pumpkin was not plentiful in Europe during this time, so the ancestors carved frightening faces originally in turnips and would place them on their doorsteps or carry these faces with them on Samhain as a means of "warding off" or frightening the mischievous spirits from their doorsteps. The American Jack o’ Lantern came centuries later as did the tradition of illuminating these frightening faces (thus taking the candle OUT of the window and placing it within the pumpkin).

     The broom was traditionally believed to be a tool of good fortune and a protective symbol. It was kept at the hearth in homes to protect this vulnerable entry and again to "ward off" anything unwanted in the household. The broom was used in marriage ceremonies (actually NOT traditional marriage as we know it today…thank you, George Bush!) and also to "sweep" away those things unwanted.

     Another important Pagan tradition was that of honoring the Crone, or wise woman (I’ll tie the broom in here shortly). The crone was revered as the healer and keeper of ancient traditions and she was at times, feared for her powers of "knowing" and wisdom as well as her magical abilities. She birthed the babies of the communities, gathered herbs to heal the sick, and was thought to be in closer communications with the deceased ancestors as well as the deities. She held a highly respected place in society.

     Unfortunately, because these Pagans became quite difficult to "convert" to Christianity and the male leaders of the Roman Catholic Church could not wipe out the Pagan traditions totally, either with brute force or fear, the Church began a campaign of instilling fear in it’s followers instead. They chose to focus on those considered the "leaders" of the Pagan tradition and take the symbols of the Pagan beliefs and bastardize the meanings and celebrations. The crone and the broom were just two of these symbols/traditions used in a long line of fear-instilling propaganda techniques used by the Church…the advent of the "witch" was born.

     It was said that the crone possessed such magical powers that she could fly through the night skies undetected on her broom and cast evil spells among the Christian followers as well as on their children and crops. Out of fear, this propaganda was quickly incorporated and a mass campaign was begun to rid the world of this evil…hence, the witch trials, commonly known as "The Burning Times". There’s too much information here to give justice to this subject, but suffice it to say, the "witch" has remained a symbol of evil in the modern world to this day (makes you kind of want to rethink becoming an old lady now, doesn’t it?!?)

     The tradition of Trick or Treating is not so easily traced, as it seems to have incorporated many beliefs and traditions. One belief is the Trick or Treater is simply a representation of the souls traveling in the night on Samhain and is simplified into: A treat will send the spirit on their way, and no treat will cause them to become mischievous or "tricky". Some scholars believe the costumes/masks actually represent the LIVING and came about as a means of traveling undetected on this night if someone had to leave the protection of their home…in other words, the costuming would mask them from the spirits as well. All I know, is the idea of Trick or Treating has become such a money-making consumer boon, it is unlikely it will matter much if it’s origins are EVER uncovered!

     The black cat also has many symbolic connotations, but most importantly early Christians found the feline to be "incorrigible"…I still believe this idea today as Meha sits perched on my arm!!! The crone was also one who communicated with the animals and animal spirits and she was believed to chose a "Familiar" when doing magic…cats were small and domesticated and easily made into companions. (Need I remind you here that the "cat" was made into such an EVIL symbol by the Church, that thousands were killed, causing an abundance of rats and mice to infest the granaries, carrying disease, and eventual spread of "The Black Plague"…just a thought.) The Black Cat became the ultimate symbol of the crone’s "familiar" and, therefore, possessed a great threat and evil to the Church. Today, we still mutter fear of having a black cat cross our paths…this comes from a belief the crone would send her cat out into the world to do her evil bidding for her. (Beware, Meha!)

     Bobbing for apples…this one is a no-brainer if you know the tradition of the apple during early times (ever read, "The Mists Of Avalon"? "Avalon" represented the apple). OK, cut an apple in half, but not the traditional LONG way…cut it in the center and not stem to bottom. What do you see? You see the inner seed area forming a five-pointed star or "pentagram". I’m too tired now to go into a long discussion about the pentagram and it’s protective symbology, but suffice it to say the symbol was highly revered by the earl Pagans. Because of this seed pattern, the apple was also thought to have magical powers. The apple would be cut in half and used as a divination tool by Pagan practitioners as a means of predicting the future and many other magical practices. "Bobbing for apples", or sticking one’s head into the murky, unknown waters and pulling out an apple in the teeth, was a way of symbolizing the passage of moving below the surface (or even behind the veil) and then surfacing with good fortune.

     You’re probably asking yourself right now WHERE ON EARTH did I come up with this stuff??? I will confess to you my love of religious study and have done extensive research over the years about the pre-Christian traditions and the psychological ways these traditions have become incorporated into our everyday lives and our unconscious. Certainly, most anything I have provided here can and has been disputed amongst religious scholars…you can take it for what it’s worth to you and continue to believe whatever your heart desires.

     Happy Halloween! Aren’t you now just dreading a future post about Thanksgiving?!?…

Monday, October 30, 2006

I Wouldn't Mess With Her!...

     When it comes right down to it, there aren't a LOT of people I WOULD choose to mess with...but especially not Miss Chris, today's guest blogger on BRAINCHEESE!

     I only recently started reading Miss Chris' blog over at http://azchick.blogspot.com/ ...otherwise known as "One Crazy Chick"...but I will admit, her practice of martial arts, AKA Karate, leaves me in awe!  She doesn't stop there, however.  This Arizonian (not to be confused with Amazonian) has a young daughter who is ALSO quite skilled at Karate...if you get the chance, check out her blog at the above link and see what she's up to this week.

     Miss Chris is the final submission to that previously posted entry here at "Cheese", which I simply cannot bring myself to reference again!  She has also humored me with poignant responses to those questions:

1. How old were you, where you were, what time of year was it and what were you wearing when you received the "lovely diagnosis" of Multiple Sclerosis?
 
I was 36 years old when I was diagnosed at it was a complete surprise. It was never something that crossed my mind. Even when I felt "weird". I was standing in the kitchen of my brand new house we just had built and was getting breakfast for my daughter, who was 5 at the time. It was the first or second week of June and I was still in my jammies when the phone rang with the news.
 
2. Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their reaction?
 
My husband was there with me when I was diagnosed so it would be my mother that I told first. It was a very difficult phone call to make. She was devastated.
 
3. What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what hasn't come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect you?
 
My greatestsecret about my MS is that some people in my family don't know I have it and I don't want them to know because I fear it may be used against me. I wish I could be more detailed but, I can't. What hasn't come true is being treated differently by my friends. They treat me the same as they always did.
 
4. What's your worst symptom or the nagging thing about your MS that just won't leave you alone?
 
My worst symptom is lack of energy. I can deal with the pain and other stuff but if I don't have energy, I feel worse. In the beginning I would've said Trigeminal Neuralgia was the worst but I've only had it a few times, thank God. It's the worst pain I ever felt.
 
5. Who/what supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to find it/them/calm etc.?
 
My husband supports me now although this was a big challenge in the beginning. It still is a challenge sometimes but, he tries. I just don't think it's in his personality to be nurturing. Too bad for me. My mom and dad are taking up the slack in that area though so I know they are always there for me and they "get it".
 
6.And, last but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great golden Club Med in the sky? What are you wearing right now as you read this?
 
I just want to be healthy enough to be there in mind AND body as my daughter reaches adulthood and has kids of her own.  I think raising kids is the biggest challenge there is but, when you have a girl as great as mine, it seems easily attainable.
By the way...I'm wearing jeans and a short sleeve shirt (it's still warm here in the desert), and the undies I'm wearing are about a size too small!
 
Miss Chris
 
     If there are still a few willing souls out there wanting to respond to those annoying questions, but just haven't gotten "roundtoit", git 'er done because I'd still love to hear from you and feature your response.  Otherwise, you will be forced to return to reading whatever I can pull from my "Cornucopia of Crap" in my head...and it just may not be pretty, folks!  So send your responses to BRAINCHEESEMS@aol.com ...I'm waiting...LOL

Sunday, October 29, 2006

At The Corner Of First And Maine...Or Just Maine...

     I know better than to put a photo in this post of a lobster dinner...that's often what folks think of when they imagine Maine.  Rocky coast lines, clam chowder, and lobster.

     But not my dear friend, Joyce/Harkoo, who is today's featured blogger on BrainCheese!  As a staunch animal rights activist and artist, Joyce may LIVE in Maine, but would never approve of a lobster boil (you don't, do you Joyce?!?...thought I should maybe clarify before assuming!).

     Joyce has been reading the "Cheese" almost since I began writing it (which seems like forever even in dog years) and has been dealing with MS for a number of years...so long, she could be considered a "guest consultant" on many topics. 

     So let me not delay her response to "I'm sick of talking about me...let's talk about..." posted 10/24/06 (do I really need to keep referencing this post for the unlikely prospect of newbies?...seriously now, just play along if you don't follow):

 1.  How old were you, where were you, what time of year was it, and what were you wearing when you "received" the lovely diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis? (Friends of MS--twist it for when you were told about your person's MS...don't forget to tell us what you were wearing, though.)

1) I was 32 years old when I was hospitalized with a paralyzed left leg in a packed neuro unit during the hottest summer Vermont had experienced for years--I had previously had that paralyzed leg happen when I was 24 and 28 and it always cleared up, but it was the eye symptoms that got me admitted.   I had just changed from my johnny into a light, summer nightgown when the team of residents came into the room to tell me my diagnosis. They were learning how to give a diagnosis to a patient so I was very kind and praised them for doing a good job at telling me.   It was arelief they had ruled out a brain tumor.  And not a surprise as my mom had MS already.   I later became good friends with 2 others who were diagnosed with ms that same week in the same unit.   Always thought the heat was the precipitating factor.

2.  Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their reaction?  (Friends of MS--whadaya think, what went through your mind when you were told?)

2) My husband was working when I learned my fate so I called my parents who lived in Maine.  My father, who is a physician, answered the phone.  When I told him my dx, he said, " No you don't have that!  They are wrong!  I have always thought you have psychiatric problems and that is why I have always thought you shouldn't be doing that psychiatric nurse work you do--it is too stressful and you should be enjoying yourself more, at home doing your artwork.  That leg paralysis stuff is more a conversion hysteria thing going on--we will get you to a good psychiatrist and you will be fine.   When my mother found out, she just cried and said she was sorry.  Being off to a good start, it is significant I tell you my husband's response when he got to the hospital.  He said NOTHING and just looked at me.

3.  What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what HASN'T come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect you?  (Friends of MS--take liberty with your prose here...you can change the NAME of your MSer and spill the beans on THEIR crap!  If you change the name and call ita "seminar" in my profession, you're not breaking any confidentiality rules!)

3) I was always afraid of developing eye problems as my mom had problems with her eyes and couldn't read.  It has been quite awhile now that I have had this, did fine with a cane, but the stress of marital stuff made it necessary to use a w/c when I go out and learn hand-control driving.  Dealing with this is nothing compared to the challenge vision problems would present to living an enjoyable life (I have been an artist).

4.  What's your worst symptom(s) or the nagging thing about your MS that just won't leave you alone?  (Friends of MS--you are given license here to use the words, "gimp", "weeble", "drunken sailor", "blind as a bat", "crazy as a mad hatter", and any other word(s) considered politically incorrect by the disabled or the MS World.)

4) The nagging problem that is a difficult burden is when I am under a lot of stress, the mind isn't clear and it is difficult to think clearly--or is this aging?!  I have heard a term called Brittle referred to our ms brains but I refuse to look it up.

5.  Who/What supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to find it/them/calm/etc.?  (Friends of MS--probably YOU'RE going to be talked about here...take a bow, and then answer the question anyway!)

5) There came a time, my husband took up a new sport --fly fishing!  He would take to the Maine woods and lakes for a week at a time to relax.   Looks like he was never fishing my friends--he was living with my healthy replacement!  I now live with my cats and am never lonely and I like to cuddle with them at night.

6.      And last, but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great, golden Club Med in the sky?  (Friends of MS--I assume YOU have goals, too...what are they?  Do any of these goals relate to your MSer?  What are you wearing right now as you read this?  Throw us gimps a bone here and humor us!!  Ad lib it up!)

6) I want to be around a long time to watch my nieces and nephew grow and develop--have found joy being closer to them now.   Am working real hard at dealing with depression issues and cognitive issues to try to get back to doing my artwork--have had a dry spell since my divorce--once I get that kicking in again, I will be content.      Joyce

     Well, there you have it, folks...straight from the far Eastern corner of our lil' United States!  Don't you think the next great "Cheese" idea should be that I get to travel to all of your locations (for free, of course) and interview each of you personally?  I've never been to Maine...

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Squiggy Report...And Other Painfully Politically Incorrect Topics...

     As promised, I deliver the “SQUIGGY REPORT”…complete with every possible politically incorrect statement and thought I could have!

 

     As most of you know, I was surprised like a kid at Christmas to hear David Lander, AKA, “SQUIGGY” from the TV sitcom, “Laverne and Shirley”, was in town this past week…OK, honestly?  More surprised like a Jewish kid at Christmas.  Let’s face it…the Squiggster is just not someone I’d actually pay to see, even though I did catch a few episodes of his TV show back in the 70’s…or was it the 80’s?  I have MS…I can’t remember!

 

     But, contrary to my usual stance of PICKETING anything sponsored by the Mega Mafia Pharma Companies, I decided to put aside my innate apathy and take one for the MS Team…Squiggy has MS, after all…it was the least I could do to support my fellow club member.  AND, my EX neurologist was also giving a lecture at the gathering…since our neurological divorce had settled amicably, I felt it was appropriate to go and support her as well.

 

     Because I have MS, I am prone to periods of complete “tarded” response…at least that’s MY excuse!  I showed up for Squiggy’s talk on Wednesday, only to discover it was scheduled for Thursday evening…yes, the day and date WAS right there on the brochure that I posted last week via picture on BrainCheese…you’d think the LEAST you peeps could do would have been to point that tiny error in my orientation out to me!  But no…as is typical, I had to discover the New World on my own.

 

     So I repeated my Squiggy trek from Seattle Center (where I was tossing trolls in a workshop for three days…or in “professional terms”, learning new hands on management of aggressive behavior techniques) to the local Sheraton Hotel on Thursday…I could NOT be stopped from my destiny to see Squiggy and a simple “brain fart” on the date would NOT steal my joy…I was on a Squiggy mission.  I became determined to capture Squiggy’s autograph to show as my trophy of accomplishment.

 

     I arrived nearly 45 minutes early because I had nowhere else to go downtown before 6:30PM and no real means of reliable and timely transportation because I had taken the bus into town for my workshop.  I decided to find my way to the presentation room inside the hotel and perhaps gorge myself on the FREE drug company hors d oeuvres…I was rather shocked to see the room, with approximately 40ish tables, already filling up with fellow Msers…scooters and canes were everywhere!

 

     I staked my claim on a completely empty table WAY in the back of the room and several yards from any of the other audience…multiple yards from the podium where Squiggy would most likely be delivering his address.  I pondered the idea that maybe I should have shoved a pair of binoculars in my bag before leaving home at the crack of dawn…Squiggy was going to appear like a small dot in the distance from where I was seated.  But entrenched in my antisocial ways, I could not force myself to move any closer to the stage…I was content with my table next to the food and the exit…and I wouldn’t be expected to converse with anyone because NO ONE was even near my table!

 

     The room continued to fill as scooters, walkers, and canes carrying my fellow Msers launched their way into the room…people continued to move up front and avoid my table.  It’s really no wonder, though…I was dressed in sweats, looking like I might have just come from a gym (because sweats on a fat lady are NEVER stylish!) with my hair all askew, and probably reeking of left over testosterone wiped on me by my cohorts at my nearly all male workshop…I wasn’t looking all that “social”.

 

     Finally, and much to my initial chagrin, a young and sweet female asked if she could sit at my table…I could tell she was nervous about being there and she was attending alone, so I decided to fork over a piece of my territory and invited her to join me.  She also was walking without an assistive aid and appeared quite “normal” in her physical shell…she looked like me, except she was cute, thin, had a full cap of hair, and was dressed appropriately for a public outing. 

 

     Even though I’m antisocial, I would not consider myself “rude” (crude perhaps, but not rude), so I closed my training manual and began to converse with my new neighbor.  Oddly, we had both been diagnosed in the same month, same diagnoses (but two year’s difference), same symptoms, and she was currently dating (I mean seeing as a doctor) my EX neurologist…we became fast buddies…and she even laughed at my jokes…who could ask for a better neighbor?  The evening was starting to look up.

 

     At some point before the Squiggster arrived at the podium, Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named snuck up behind me and bellowed, “Ma’ am.  Can I see some ID please?” 

 

     Without missing a beat or turning in recognition, I calmly stated to my new neighbor, “And this woman pretends to be my neurologist”.  Dr. SWWNBN sulked away…I had won that round of banter.  Apparently, even Dr. SWWNBN was going to be part of a guest physician panel to answer questions following my EX neuro’s talk…I began immediately to write my most complicated and annoying question I could think up…it turned into a three part trick question about TYSABRI.  I felt satisfied.  Moohahaha!

 

     Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed two scooters carrying middle aged women pointing in the direction of my remote table…I held my breath until I heard the faint whirl of their electric engines winding toward the open expanse of my new neighbor’s right side.  The scooters were going to join us as were their occupants…my territory was quickly being claimed by these MS gold diggers.

    

     I watched quietly as my new neighbors attempted to dismount their rides and try to gain stable access in the dining chairs provided at the table…it looked to be a tedious, yet precarious movement on their behalf, so I asked if I could offer any assistance.  Both new neighbors kindly, but firmly told me “no”, and I was left to suffer through nearly five minutes of agony in anticipation they might fall…eventually and much to my care-taker relief, they safely climbed into their chairs.

 

     But no sooner had they dismounted their steeds, they discovered the “buffet” hors d oeuvres were miles from the table where we were seated.  Well actually, the buffet tables were less than 20 or 30 feet away, but I’m sure the distance may have seemed like miles from our table.  I again asked if I could be of assistance and bring plates back to them…again, they both firmly declined my offer.

 

     Another five or ten minutes of questionable gymnastics ensued and, with an audible sigh of relief from my lips, my newest of neighbors were off and wheeling again in their scooters to the buffet tables…it was becoming a traffic jam of wheels and thin, metal poles…I was beginning to feel guilty I didn’t HAVE to use something to assist me in my grazing efforts at the buffet tables!  My first neighbor to the table also was wearing a look like she had just discovered she was the only woman in a boy’s locker room…we weren’t gimped enough for THIS gathering.

 

     My scooter neighbors eventually returned to the table unscathed by the freeway congestion of ambulatory aids surrounding the buffet areas and AGAIN painstakingly transferred themselves to the dining chairs…this process was now becoming like a newly discovered auto accident to me…the kind you probably shouldn’t slow down to look at, but you gawk anyway, then look away in fear or discomfort.

 

     Just when my friends finally got re-established in their seats, they discovered they did not have beverages.  I sprang from my chair, nearly knocking myself backwards, and insisted they allow me to retrieve this portion of their meal in the name of “needing to stretch my legs”…they conceded to my blatant outcry and allowed me to assist…still somehow, I felt pangs of guilt to be able to walk so unencumbered and carry things in BOTH of my hands backto the table…I was beginning to skulk a bit around the room.

 

     Light on my feet compared to my neighbors, I returned with their beverages and sat down determined to make new friends…they obliged my conversation.  After brief name introductions and basic chit-chat, the elder of my new friends asked me, “So do you have MS?”

 

     Something transformed in me in a matter of a nanosecond.  I could NOT believe I was being asked this question.  Surely it was “obvious” I had MS?!?  How dare she question my disability/diagnosis/disease/handicap/gimp status/card carrying MS club membership?!?  So without allowing my brain to censor my speech, I blurted out, “Yes, but obviously not as bad as you do!”

 

     I heard a small and miniscule piece of dandruff scalp drop on the table below me as I threw my head back…it landed and echoed like a bomb had just been detonated…it was louder than a pin drop.  Our eyes locked on one another as targets drew into range. 

 

     Then, without warning, we both busted out in raucous laughter at the total hilarity of our statements…in a split second of “knowing”, we bonded and later exchanged phone numbers.  I no longer felt self-conscious about my “hidden” disease and I no longer felt guilt-driven and compelled to care-take my new friends…my new friends even engaged in whispered heckling when Dr. SWWNBN stumbled over my question and had to consult one of the pharmacy representatives to respond…all was right in my world once again!

 

     Oh, I almost forgot!  Squiggy.  Squiggy has MS…Squiggy was funny and his talk was lighthearted, yet appropriately sarcastic at points.  Squiggy struggles to remain ambulatory.  Squiggy promised autographs later, but became too tired to remain and left before the program was over…I wasn’t upset with Squiggy’s fatigue…I didn’t really need Squiggy’s autograph.  I got what I wanted and needed out of the evening…all really WAS and IS right in my world… 

Suzy Does Chicago...

     But not like Debbie did Dallas!  Don't get any weird ideas here, peeps...my good buddy SONYASUZANNE is a kind and sweet Illinois-ian?  Illinois-ite?  OK, maybe just a DIE-HARD BEARS FAN will be enough of a geographic description!!!

     If she tells you I yell at her in emails, it's true...I get very upset when I can't read DAILY posts at her blog, http://miss_suzy.typepad.com/my_weblog/ ...I live for this stuff!  I encourage you to check out her blog as well...it's not only a great read, but just one of those things you feel "connected" to...at least I do.  And that's why I just have to forgive her when she's not feeling well enough to post and keep me entertained on a daily basis (Oh yeah, SUZY...I really didn't put your blog space on any bathroom walls and write under it, "For a good time, read"...I was just an idle threat!).

     BRAINCHEESE features yet another magnificent MSer who took the risk to send a response to the 10/24/06 post entitled, "I'm sick of talking about me...let's talk about..."  Thanks, SUZY, for humoring me:

1.  How old were you, where were you, what time of year was it, and what were you wearing when you "received" the lovely diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis? (Friends of MS--twist it for when you were told about your person's MS...don't forget to tell us what you were wearing, though.)

Ha….I was in lovely Chi-town, at Rush University meeting my second neuro.  I met my first neuro in my home town, and he told me I needed a Psych evaluation because I had too many things wrong with me, and none of them were MS.  Go figure.  This new neuro Iwas waiting to meet in Chicago at The Chicago Institute for Neurology told me I DID have MS, as well as this little known condition called Arnold Chiari Malformation and that I’d also need a Neurosurgical consult. All of a sudden I went from crazy to having MS and needing Brain Surgery.  Ack!!   The year?  Last year, July 2005. I think I was wearing my bathing suit, if’n I remember correctly.

2.  Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their reaction?  (Friends of MS--whadaya think, what went through your mind when you were told?)

I told Loving Hubby.  I was scared.  He was scared.  I had no idea what I might be up against.

3.  What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what HASN'T come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect you?  (Friends of MS--take liberty with your prose  here...you can change the NAME of your MSer and spill the beans on THEIR crap!  If you change the name and call it a "seminar" in my profession, you're not breaking any confidentiality rules!)

My greatest fear regards the brain surgery I need, and what frustrates me most is that MS is holding things up.  I feel like S**T, as you well know from my ranting to you on the phone.  I didn’t know things could get worse until Little Luv was diagnosed with the same Chiari stuff as myself.  I can handle (barely) myself getting sick…but my boy?  Ahhh…..now mama bear is really pi**ed off!

4.  What's your worst symptom(s) or the nagging thing about your MS that just won't leave you alone?  (Friends of MS--you are given license here to use the words, "gimp", "weeble", "drunken sailor", "blind as a bat", "crazy as a mad hatter", and any other word(s) considered politically incorrect by the disabled or the MS World.)

The nagging thing for me is the ‘you look so good today!’  That drives me absolutely nuts!  Having an invisible illness doesn’t make me feel any better.  My family laughs at my cognitive issues, which I’m learning to do a little better now.  Worse symptom?  Insomnia and pain…lots of pain. (I like to walk pain free if I can…lol)

5.  Who/What supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to find it/them/calm/etc.?  (Friends of MS--probably YOU'RE going to be talked about here...take a bow, and then answer the question anyway!)

Family definitely….MOST of my friends…friends like you who support me long distance.  Thank God that I have long distance!  What would I do without it? (Probably emailing you more often, eh?)

6.   And last, but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great, golden Club Med in the sky?  (Friends of MS--I assume YOU have goals, too...what are they?  Do any of these goals relate to your MSer?  What are you wearing right now as you read this?  Throw us gimps a bone here and humor us!!  Ad lib it up!) 

Hmmm…I want to run a marathon, write a book, learn how to quilt, encourage others by touring in a comedy group with someone I have yet to meet in person (lol), make money doing something I really love, buy Loving Hubby a new truck when I make money doing something I really love, and then I’d LOVE TO be given a magic wand to remove all health disorders from Little Luv.  There you have it…my list of goals.  =)  Right now I’m sitting facing the tv, listening to Grey’s Anatomy, wondering how you are doing, wearing Loving Hubbies oversized long sleeve T-Shirt with flannel jammie pants in front of the fire.  Yeah…it’s raining like it was Seattle here too…

     (**Note to Suzy**That's just a lie we tell tourists out here...the "rain" thing...it was sunny and 60 degrees today in downtown Seattle.  Shhhh!)

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Ever-Funny Computer Man Tells All...

     He's definitely a mystery...we don't even know his "real" name!  But the always entertaining MDMHVONPA has been the third submission (I know you like that word!) of responses to the questions previously posted and entitled, "I'm sick of talking about me...let's talk about..." 

     Over the past several months, I have fondly referred to him by all SORTS of initials, which he has tolerated quite well...my favorites being, MONDOVAPAPA (stolen from Suzy over at "Bliss", however), MONDOPOVA, and of course, REPUBLICAN!  If you get a chance to check out his MS blog at White Lightening Axiom: Redux (his link is listed to the left under "favorite links"), it's well worth the read.

     So, without further ado, please welcome MDMHVONPA to the stage:

1.  How old were you, where were you, what time of year was it, and what were you wearing when you "received" the lovely diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis? (Friends of MS--twist it for when you were told about your person's MS...don't forget to tell us what you were wearing, though.)

1.  Diagnosis Disaster.  After years of 'Maybe you have a brain tumor, we can try massive doses of mercury' type of gusses by my team of physicians, they finally sent me to the 'Bone Doctor' who shipped me off for an MRI.  It was May, 1995.  About a year before I was to be married to the 'One who was destined' (to rule my heart).  I believe I was wearing my banker's monkey suit with my usual 'BBB' (big black boots) footwear.  In fact, it was the 'Happy Birthday' Jerry Garcia silk tie that I remember the most.  Mmmm, drug induced art.

2.  Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their reaction?  (Friends of MS--whadaya think, what went through your mind when you were told?)

2.  Within moments of the doctor telling me to sit down for some really bad news, I was on the phone to two people.  The future Mrs and my Boss.  The Doctor thought he was giving me a death sentence, it was actually quite liberating.  Not cancer, not stroke, just little old MS.  The Mrs said 'What is that?' and I let her know that after I stop at the book store, I'll fill her in.  The Boss said, 'Oh crap, what is that?' along with a similar response.  Funny thing about the Boss, he eventually got pancreatic cancer and ended up in worse shape than me.

3.  What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what HASN'T come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect you?  (Friends of MS--take liberty with your prose  here...you can change the NAME of your MSer and spill the beans on THEIR crap!  If you change the name and call it a "seminar" in my profession, you're not breaking any confidentiality rules!)

3.  My greatest fear was not paralysis, not blindness and not the daily chronic pain, but rather, not deserving a Handicap Parking tag.  Why am I so damn wound up about what other people thing about it I'll never know.  Irony: I have pain, I have vision loss, I have mild sensitivity loss and I wobble like a weeble but I'm still anxious about using that damn handicap spot!

4.  What's your worst symptom(s) or the nagging thing about your MS that just won't leave you alone?  (Friends of MS--you are given license here to use the words, "gimp", "weeble", "drunken sailor", "blind as a bat", "crazy as a mad hatter", and any other word(s) considered politically incorrect by the disabled or the MS World.)

4.  Sleep ... SLEEEP.... your eyelids are getting heavvvvyyyy.... NOPE.  Wide awake.  DAMMIT!  If the little fire ants would take a night off so I can sleep for more than a couple hours at a pop I would be most appreciative.  Blame it on the coffee or the 12 hours of sequential horror movies if you will, but from the second I lay down to the moment I heave a sigh of disgust and wander off from the bed those damn insects are chomping away at places I should not itch in the presence of children ... just plain ARGH!

5.  Who/What supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to find it/them/calm/etc.?  (Friends of MS--probably YOU'RE going to be talked about here...take a bow, and then answer the question anyway!)

5.  My support network is invisible.  From the Mrs who treats me as the Man of Steel (with a bit of rust) to the Mommy who insists on cooking my favorite meals and the HeroDad who sneaks out to mow my lawn while I'm in the shower ... it's the little unspoken things that makes life a bit easier.  Best part is that I almost never notice it until the support happens.  When you ask for it the least, you get it in spades.

 6.  And last, but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great, golden Club Med in the sky?  (Friends of MS--I assume YOU have goals, too...what are they?  Do any of these goals relate to your MSer?  What are you wearing right now as you read this?  Throw us gimps a bone here and humor us!!  Ad lib it up!)

6.  Manifesto: The same thing we do every night Pinky; Raise a set of loving, happy, successful, intelligent and God Fearing Children along with helping an ever-growing bond of love between the Mrs and I become stronger by the day.  All this and more to make the world a better place.  It's the small things, the pedantrics, that matter most.  I'll leave the TOTAL WORLD CONQUEST in the capable hands of the Haupertonain Tyrants.  Solar System and Galactic subserviance will be left to the Grand-Tyrants and GGTyrants respectively.  Gotta leave something for the future generations to shoot for.

     Now I KNOW you wanna head over and check out his blog!  Happy surfing...(And thank you for your "submission", MDMHVONPA...if that really IS your name!)

     (Editor's note:  Responses to questions are being added to BRAINCHEESE in the order the emails have been received...there are still a few of you left to post, so keep checking back as you WILL show up soon.  I will continue to post your responses until EVERYONE has had their day in the "spotlight"...lucky you, huh?!?) 

Thursday, October 26, 2006

PEEJ Weighs In On The MS Thingy...

     Well, I've never been to Boston, but the skyline in the picture sure looks "purdy"!  My friend, PEEJ, will just have to attest to the beauty of BeanTown for me.  She's the next featured MSer on BRAINCHEESE today...and thanks for humoring me with a response, PJ...I know it may have pained you!!!

1.  How old were you, where were you, what time of year was it, and what
were you wearing when you "received" the lovely diagnosis of Multiple
Sclerosis?

Like about half the people with MS I've met over the years I was at a ripe old age (49) by the time I was finally diagnosed.   The date was August 26, 2001.  What surprised everyone the most wasn't really that I had MS (I'd shown symptoms for 30 years)  but that the doctors in McAllen, Texas had found it while all the drs "up north" I'd been to over the years had missed it... My Texas neurologist admitted it had just been luck on his part though.  ;)

2.  Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their
reaction?

I told my husband who's first words were "Oh that's such Bull $hit!"  It took several years for him to finally accept the diagnosis...

3.  What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what HASN'T
come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect
you?

My greatest fear was that, like so many who get the news, my husband would decide that it was *my* problem and walk out of the relationship.  Deep down I knew he wouldn't and that the fear was irrational but it was there nonetheless...

4.  What's your worst symptom(s) or the nagging thing about your MS that
just won't leave you alone?

Worst symptom?  That would have to be the pain.  Waking up every day feeling like you've been worked over with a baseball bat by a guy named Vinnie doesn't fill you with enthusiasm and energy for the day.  :)  I would have to say that running neck and neck with pain would be cognitive problems.  Especially when I'm overly stressed or overheated.  I lose the ability to communicate over the level of a 5 year old.  It's scary as hell when it happens...

5.  Who/What supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to
find it/them/calm/etc.?

Don't laugh.... my dogs calm me.   They expect so little and accept me unconditionally.  They're always there with a wagging tail and lots of "kisses".   And then you have the clown factor  :)

6.  And last, but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to
achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great,
golden Club Med in the sky?

I'd love to finish getting my degree in computer aided drafting.  I started it about 6 months before my diagnosis and was doing really well for awhile but the cognitive BS started getting in the way.  I'd also love to do more travelling.  There are so many wonderful places I haven't seen yet.  All I need now is $ and a passport, huh?  :)

Last but not least, I want to be here for my family.  They're the most important part of my life.

     Now there's something to learn from!  Thanks again for responding, PEEJ...you are a good sport and friend! 

**Noting applause**

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

CROVIRA2 WINS THE GRAND PRIZE!!!

     What troopers you are!  If you read yesterday's post, you'll be happy to know I have already received TWO emails from y'all and will post CROVIRA2'S response today...although I have to apologize to CROV about the "expletive" editing I had to do to continue to fly under the AOL radar (all changes will be found in color...you'll follow it just the same!).  I've also added the original questions above CROV's answers because I'm way too concrete to keep up with out the reference questions!

     CROVIRA2 also has a MS podcast at the addy shown in the picture...give it a whirl...I'm still trying to understand "podcast", but I'm starting to get it!

1.  How old were you, where were you, what time of year was it, and what were you wearing when you "received" the lovely diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis? (Friends of MS--twist it for when you were told about your person's MS...don't forget to tell us what you were wearing, though.)

1a. The first time I had an exacerbation it was undiagnosed.  I was sixteen at the time.  My hand co-ordination went to hell.  I had tremors and I remember looking at my hand as it shook and wondering "What the f%#k?"  (I was wearing blue jeans, a red sweatshirt and burgandy ankle boots with a wonderful shine just glowing off of them.  "Dahling, I looked simply di-vine.")

1b. The first time I had an attack, at 31, it was diagnosed as MS
right there and then.  I was exhibiting ALL of the damned symptoms. I spend a week in neuro ICU, four weeks in a ward of the hospital recovering.  Discovered how lousy the company's insurance and disability coverage was. Got back my strength, coordination and whooping cough (sorry a para-percussive virus, they'd eradicated whooping cough, so they said...)  I was wearing a "Johnny Shirt" that ties in the back and nothing else. (And who's the s$*t-head who thought up of those shirts.  I have MS and NO CORDINATION left to tie those f!^kin' things with.  Its an exercise in absolute frustration with a side of humiliation.)

2.  Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their reaction?  (Friends of MS--whadaya think, what went through your mind when you were told?)

2. I was such a mono-maniac that my only friend was my wife (#1).  (There is enough about the problems of giftedness and infantilism to fill several psychology books and I'd read them all.)

3.  What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what HASN'T come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect you?  (Friends of MS--take liberty with your prose  here...you can change the NAME of your MSer and spill the beans on THEIR crap!  If you change the name and call it a "seminar" in my profession, you're not breaking any confidentiality rules!)

3. I have no fear. I also have no expectations. MS just IS. Deal with it. Learn what you must and deal with it. What you DO is pick yourself up and get back to what you were doing as best you can. The rest is just whining and a waste of time.

4.  What's your worst symptom(s) or the nagging thing about your MS that just won't leave you alone?  (Friends of MS--you are given license here to use the words, "gimp", "weeble", "drunken sailor", "blind as a bat", "crazy as a mad hatter", and any other word(s) considered politically incorrect by the disabled or the MS World.)

4. I walk with a cane now. Which means I'm probably never going to dance gracefully again. (Been there, done that, ...next...)

5.  Who/What supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to find it/them/calm/etc.?  (Friends of MS--probably YOU'RE going to be talked about here...take a bow, and then answer the question anyway!)

5. My current wife (#2) is still my best friend (and a gifted cook :-)

6.  And last, but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great, golden Club Med in the sky?  (Friends of MS--I assume YOU have goals, too...what are they?  Do any of these goals relate to your MSer?  What are you wearing right now as you read this?  Throw us gimps a bone here and humor us!!  Ad lib it up!)

6. I'm going to make a success of this MS (niche market) podcasting, by failing at it in as many ways as possible until I eventually run out of ways to fail. (I'm typing this late at night and I'm just wearing my shorts .... and a :-) And yes, its cold, but that keeps the noise down in my scleratic nervous system.

     And now haven't we ALL learned just a little something more from each other today?!?  Thanks for filling in the "gaps" for us, CROVIRA2!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I'm Sick Of Talking About Me...Let's Talk About...

     Let's face it.  I lead a pretty mundane and boring life and there's just so much "color" that can be wrung from it!  And some days and weeks, like this one approaching, I have to force myself to focus on something else besides "MOI" (even in spelling, I remain "colorful").

     I will be heading into a three-day workshop/training at the crack of dawn (she's shown up again in my life...Dawn, that is) tomorrow morning and I anticipate I will not be fit for human consumption by late tomorrow evening (yes, I'll STILL add the SQUIGGY report here!).  So, I thought I would propose an idea to the "Board" here at BRAINCHEESE and see if it flies...oh, and that "Board"?...that would be YOU, loyal readers!

     Here's what I'm thinking...I'D LIKE YOU TO WRITE BRAINCHEESE FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS!!!  All those opposed, say "Nay"..............Well, all I heard was silence, so I believe the proposition has passed the Board!!!

     So, here's my elaborate scheme...I mean PLAN.  Since this forum is supposed to be about Multiple Sclerosis, I guess we'll have to stick loosely to that scheme, I mean theme!  I'd like YOU to send me an email of your best prose (and my previous entries can be your guide...spelling, punctuation, grammar, and obviously even content are optional!) addressing the following questions.  I will post your responses on BRAINCHEESE and if you'd like to remain brilliantly and humbly "Anon.", I will not identify your tormented soul.  And for those of you NOT diagnosed with MS, but who know somebody who knows somebody who's mother's sister's nephew DOES HAVE MS, please ad lib and twist the questions around to meet your needs...I DO want to hear from you as well!

1.  How old were you, where were you, what time of year was it, and what were you wearing when you "received" the lovely diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis? (Friends of MS--twist it for when you were told about your person's MS...don't forget to tell us what you were wearing, though.)

2.  Who was the first person you told about your MS and what was their reaction?  (Friends of MS--whadaya think, what went through your mind when you were told?)

3.  What's your greatest fear and/or secret about your MS and what HASN'T come true or manifested from your MS that you thought would happen or affect you?  (Friends of MS--take liberty with your prose  here...you can change the NAME of your MSer and spill the beans on THEIR crap!  If you change the name and call it a "seminar" in my profession, you're not breaking any confidentiality rules!)

4.  What's your worst symptom(s) or the nagging thing about your MS that just won't leave you alone?  (Friends of MS--you are given license here to use the words, "gimp", "weeble", "drunken sailor", "blind as a bat", "crazy as a mad hatter", and any other word(s) considered politically incorrect by the disabled or the MS World.)

5.  Who/What supports you/comforts you in your life and where do you go to find it/them/calm/etc.?  (Friends of MS--probably YOU'RE going to be talked about here...take a bow, and then answer the question anyway!)

6.  And last, but not least, what do you still have on your agenda to achieve/finish/reach/summit/climb/accomplish before retiring to that great, golden Club Med in the sky?  (Friends of MS--I assume YOU have goals, too...what are they?  Do any of these goals relate to your MSer?  What are you wearing right now as you read this?  Throw us gimps a bone here and humor us!!  Ad lib it up!)

     First one of you to respond at BrainCheeseMS@aol.com wins a prize! (OK, not really, but THAT sounded like good incentive fun, didn't it???)

     I'll try to keep you updated during my grueling week, which doesn't end until next Wednesday...I'm sure there will be "stories" to tell about my manhandling of the boys/males at my Management Of Aggressive Behavior training...they're always shocked when the middle-aged, fat lady with MS knocks 'em to the floor!...  

Monday, October 23, 2006

I'm So Excited To Hear...Squiggy?

     Well, I'm fixin' to jump on my high horse and gallop around the MS Corral again...Yee Haw!  Everybody just sit back for a spell and hear me out now and if'n you still wanna string me up when I'm finished, well then...we'll talk.

    The header line is absolutely correct.  I'm registered via MSActive Source to go hear "Squiggy"/David Lander speak here in Seattle on Wednesday.  Why, you might ask?  Simply put,  because I am already going to be downtown nearby at a workshop and MSActive Source promises "complimentary parking and free hor d oeuvres"!  A place to park and free food charged to one of the Mega Conglomerate Pharma companies?  Who could ask for more...

     OK, first things first...hats off to Mr. Lander for coming out of the MS closet and becoming one of the "poster children" for Multiple Sclerosis.  He didn't HAVE to and he didn't for quite a while...he's from that fine land of HOLLYWOOD after all, where disease is only chic if you DON'T HAVE ONE or you have a TELETHON to raise money for one (unless, of course, you have breast cancer...then all the world is your stage!).  Let's face it...nobody wants to see a gimpy movie star on the big screen and Paramount isn't going to PAY their sick days while in the middle of shooting a TV show or movie.

     Now, pardon me for my sins in saying this next bit because I just know it isn't going to come out the way I'm thinking it (somebody grab the rope!)...I just gotta say it anyway.  Approximately 400,000 people in the USA are diagnosed and living with Multiple Sclerosis and you mean to tell me out of ALL THAT BIG PERCENT we only get Richard Pryor, Annette Funicello, Clay Walker, Teri Garr, and SQUIGGY!?!?  What's up with THAT math???  And I know, dear MDMHVONPA, you tried to assert in the comments the other day that the lovely Janet Reno has MS, but it's simply not true...there's definitely "something" wrong with her (besides Parkinson's), but it's just NOT MS...AND, it's also not because she's a democrat either!!!  I digress...

     I don't wish Multiple Sclerosis on anyone...I'd prefer no one EVER be diagnosed with it again.  But don't you think there must be just one or two big stars still stuck in the MS closet?  Don't you think Tom Cruise or Sharon Stone know SOMEONE affected by MS that is close to them?  (OK, probably NOT Tom Cruise because he'd have them healed already with his sci-fi religion...I'm digressing again, aren't I?)

     I think if Hollywood is going to play the BLEEDING HEART GAME fairly, they need to divide up the stars in more even teams.  It's a given that Narcotics Anonymous gets Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne...that team can have 'em.  Weight Watchers gets Rosie O'Donnell and Chastity Bono.  Of course Breast Cancer gets Melissa Etheridge and Sheryl Crow...they've already been singing about it.  Anorexia Nervosa gets Mary Kate Olson (or is it Ashley?) and that Alley McBeal chick...IF they haven't already died of starvation.  The Prostate Cancer team gained Lance Armstrong a few year's ago...excellent athletic pick...and the Diabetes team inducted that old dude from the movie, "Cocoon", a while back as well as singer, Anita Baker.  And let's not forget the entire roster of players for the non-disease teams like Farm Aid, Katrina Aid, and Tsunami Aid.  There's really not a whole lot left to pick from for the MS team really.

     There's so much to consider when picking Hollywood stars for the MS team.  Like, who's gonna bring in the biggest crowd for the donations?  Who's the best public speaker?  Who shows the greatest determination in the face of disease and disability?  Who's picture would look best on the cover of the Neurology Journal?  So MANY things to consider...

     I can't say that SQUIGGY/David Lander would have been my first round draft pick for the MS team...as a matter of fact, I doubt I would have picked him at all...I envisioned more of a Jack Nicholson-type pinch hitting for MY MS team...a bit unpredictable, wild and crazy.

     So what I will say is this:  Unfortunately David Lander didn't CHOOSE to be on myteam either...I'm sure he'd much rather play for the Facial Acne team or the Irritable Bowel team...I hear those team's workouts aren't nearly as strenuous as the MS team!  But SQUIGGY IS on my team...win or lose...and I'm glad to see he's still in the ballgame... 

Sunday, October 22, 2006

My Achy, Breaky...Bones?

     Ok, so it's not exactly a country western song...probably more like a Geritol commercial actually!  But this is my life...

     I will admit that I DO think the Prednisone regime that Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named suggested has helped the post Tysabri infusion arthralgia.  But if you throw in a monthly surge of hormones (sorry guys...it just happens!) on top of an already arthritic system, the outcome DOES feel like something songs could be written about.

     This morning, I once again had quite the ordeal just getting out of bed and NOT just because it was a lovely Sunday morning to sleep in.  It is a matter of habit for me now to always stretch my calves before trying to stand or walk...the morning spasticity in my legs remains a constant...this is just a given.  But when I tried to push myself up out of the bed, my lower back began to scream obscenities at me...this is never a good way to start one's day by being yelled at from body parts.

     So, being the mature adult I am, I returned the cries of my lower back with a few choice "obscenities" from my mouth shoved between grunts and groans and a few vocal, "Ouches".  I couldn't for the life of me determine WHAT was causing this growing and intense pain above my arse.  And to make matters worse, I was having strange electrical sensations shooting down my thighs, causing me increasing anxiety and wonderment as to what was the cause (neuro vs. neurotic?...nerve problems versus making something up in my brain?...these are the things I worry about).

     Finally, after trying to win the pain over with brute force and then my "charismatic charm", I headed for the Ibuprofen bottle (the very one I wanted to shoot a hole in just a few nights ago!) and popped a few of my little, brown friends...I really don't know WHY I didn't just concede to this plan sooner...I'm not always the most "pragmatic" when in pain I guess!

     I then headed straight for the couch and fell into a bizarre slumber with the sound of an NFL football game emitting from the television set.  I say bizarre sleep because I had a near nightmarish dream about my middle sister giving my bedroom away to a visiting stranger!  Then as I was trying to get up a flight of stairs while arguing the unfairness of the situation to my sister, a banister broke and I teetered on a landing ready to fall just before I awakened...I'm not keen on falling dreams and I'm certainly NOT keen on helplessly arguing with my sister!

     When I finally oriented myself from my startled slumber, I had a very difficult time "coming to"...the feelings of the dream swirled inside me and I just wanted to go back to sleep to "dream it right".  No such luck.  I continued to remain on the couch in a semi-fugue state, but with a bit less noticeable pain in my back...I also noticed the electrical sensations had lessened.

     Eventually and in the later afternoon, I rallied...I bathed, I did the hygiene things, I ate, I even watched the Seahawks embarrassing loss to the Minn. Vikings...I started to feel more "normal"...whatever THAT is.

     I also began to remember the "monthly" symptoms I usually get and the symptoms that seem to worsen every menstrual cycle...nope, this wasn't a relapse coming on, I wasn't losing my mind (although I'm sure some might want to debate that!), and the Tysabri arthralgia wasn't getting worse.  I was just HAPPILY HORMONAL!

     The good news (if you can call it that) is, this will all pass in 24 hours or so and I will return to my REGULAR neurotic and neuralgic self...the bad news is, I may never get a chance to tell my sister off in my dreams again!  She WAS wrong in my dream you know and I so seldom get to prove I'm right...drat and double drat...

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Contemplation...

     I had a very interesting day today...very interesting to ME, that is!  You of course, hold the right to object...and I maintain the right to "censor" your opinion.  LOL

     My day started with an email from a long, lost friend of nearly 23 years ago.  I've been in touch with this friend many times over the past several years, so it was not necessarily unusual that she emailed me.  What WAS unusual however, was my response to this email.

     You see, my friend found her husband dead on the bathroom floor last year.  Neither seemed old enough to die of natural causes, but her husband had a major coronary and his number got pulled from the big celestial hat in the sky...it was just his time to go.

     This was obviously a horrible event for my friend as her husband was and had always been the love of her life...her soulmate...her partner.  Without him, she fell into what seemed to be a serious depression.  Emails stopped coming and emails sent were unanswered.

     Today was one of the first self-written emails I have received from her in so many months (excluding a few forwarded jokes which, by the way, weren't that funny!) and it was good to know she was alive and reaching back out into the world again...it was good to "feel" my friend coming back after feeling like she might be lost forever.

     Seeing the entire process of life coming full circle again in my friend got me thinking...and, unfortunately, I'm always DANGEROUS when I think!  I'm much safer when I just "feel" and try to stay out of my head.  But I couldn't quit my obsessive thinking.

     I began dipping into that great abyss I call my thoughts and I could not shake a melancholy sadness that began to flow through me.  Of course I tried to THINK my way out of this uncomfortable feeling, but couldn't...it only strengthened.  So, rather than "sit with myself and my feelings", I opted to do the other most reasonable Zen thing I could THINK of...I chopped wood and carried water!  OK, not exactly because I don't even have a wood pile (stop bragging, MDMHVONPA) or a well, but I went outside and detailed the inside of my car.

     After several hours of rubbing and scrubbing, I finally dragged myself into my home and threw myself down...and I STILL felt uncomfortably sad.  There was a longing inside me to "know" something that I just couldn't grasp in my mind...it had to do with living and dying...it had to do with the disease of MS...it had to do with understanding my place in this life...it had to do with MY life and where I am going...it had to do with MORE than just the lint in my belly button.  LOL

     I noticed a book on my shelf that I haven't looked at in a long time.  It's the book in the picture, "Notes From The Song Of Life", which is no longer in print (just in case you thought you'd run out and grab a copy...yeah, right!).  It was written by a modern-day monk, Brother Tolbert McCarroll, back in the 1970's and it is a book I have consulted in the past when searching for answers.  Today, Brother Tolbert did not let me down once again.

     I've decided at the risk of jail for breaking copywrite law, I must share with you at least excerpts from the section called, "The Story"...hopefully a catholic monk would have pity on my soul and forgive me!  If not, I'll most likely rot in prison or hell.  LOL

     You are a necessary part of a long story.  Your parents and grandparents should have helped you feel your place in the story when you were yet a young child.  But a while back it seemed as if everyone forgot the story.  So you grew up wondering about your value and your worth.  You have searched for a place where you can belong.  Now, when you are older and it is harder, you must learn that your value is in being you and you belong here.

...You are a flower and a seed.  You are part of a story which began with the first cell of life.  That story will continue on after you.  The many people and things you have touched in your life will be influenced by you.  The history of the world would not be the same if you had not been here.  The smallest ripples you cause today may bring huge waves in ages to come.

...You are a guardian of the seeds for the world to come.  All that has gone before and all that is yet to come is within you.  Through you passes humanity's saving fire.  You are running in a relay.  This is the moment you have been chosen to hold the torch.  You cannot refuse to run.  Whatever you do is part of your page in the story of life.

     Be yourself.  That is who you were meant to be.  You are a note, a necessary note in a beautiful song! 

     Thank you, Brother Tolbert, for your wisdom.  You were exactly what I needed today to draw me out of my "funk". 

     Although I really can't complain about the funk...it did, after all, result in a clean and shining auto interior!

Friday, October 20, 2006

It's Exhausting Doing Nothing...

     Whew!  I never really got it how exhausting being on vacation can be until today...AND, I have done absolutely nothing.  I'm so exhausted I may have to go to bed early.

     My day started out with the usual alarm clock...the one I don't set and really wish I could dismantle.  I'm talking about the frantic "meows" of The Princess Of Darkness outside my bedroom door...since SHE rules here, she decides when it's time for her servant to get up and get moving!  Fortunately (and for secretive unknown reason), she let me sleep in a bit today.

     I did my usual morning rituals of bathroom, stumble, feed The Princess cat, stumble over cat, forage for food in fridge, bark commands at cat that fall on deaf ears, check my email while trying to block cat's view of passwords, read daily blogs--laugh heartily at the various insights and humor of my online friends, change out of bed clothes and check for "bed head" hair, take handful of pills and supplements in hopes of living a long and productive life, and finally, pull cat off shower curtain where she dangles precariously while I'm at the mirror.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

     I checked my calendar--nothing scheduled.  No doctor's appointment, no lunch dates, no anything.  I had the day all to myself to do absolutely nothing and that's exactly what I did.

     I DID go for a walk today though...I guess that's "something".  Oh yeah...and I DID go to both the hardware store and the grocery store...two more "somethings".  Hmmm...now that I think of it, I DID do laundry and clean up the kitchen, too.  OK, I did a LITTLE more than nothing, but not much!  I even caught a few minutes of Judge Judy, but just couldn't stomach watching Oprah today.  And I only watched Judge Judy briefly because I like to hear her yell at people...it reminds me of nursing school days I think (only a nurse or someone in the military will get THAT one!).

     I'm rather hoping tomorrow unfolds much like today...I could get used to this vacation thing...I'm sure I WILL get used to it.  Probably right before I have to go back to work...

(By the way...that is neither my house NOR my cat in the photo.  I didn't want y'all to think I was stuck in the 70's with that couch!)

I KNEW She Was Up To Something!...

     I discovered this

 

 

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tucked behind the wash machine, stashed neatly among a 30 count of fake mice, rubber balls, shining sparkle balls, and one nuclear detonation device.  I knew she was up to something while I have been gone to work and now I know WHAT!

     My little Axis Of Evil has been trying my patience today.  In between her frequent "Prances With Wolves--The Sequel" on the counter tops, she has been secretly printing dirty money to fund her evil doings.  I swear I heard her meowing in Korean the other day, too.

     Since I have been home the past few days and feeling a bit under the weather, she has felt a need to take full control of the household and milk every last ounce of my reserves.  Right now, she is pretending to sleep while sitting up on her "throne" beside the computer...I believe this is just her sneaky way of trying to access my computer pins and codes...yet another funding source to aid her plans for weapons of mass destruction.

     I have even gone so far as to threaten her with abandonment...she merely stares at me with a knowing look...she SENSES I am too weak of heart to toss her with her little kitty luggage out on the street.  She KNOWS she owns me.

     Today, she left such a foul, "dirty bomb" in the litter box, I became overcome with dry heaves...she mocked me from the doorway then ran to an outside window to send a message of her triumph to the army of ferel neighborhood cats she has recruited for her feline take over of the world...I think they meow in Korean as well.

     Maybe it's the Prednisone I started today at the suggestion of my neurologist to combat this horrible post Tysabri arthralgia and fatigue...maybe it's clouding my judgment.  But if I come up missing or don't show up on this blog for a few days, it's because my CAT has taken me hostage...I just KNOW she's up to something bigger than this...