Things I've Learned From Daytime TV...

     Being homebound for days on end has its perks...like being forced to watch daytime TV (you KNOW I"m totally kidding about this being a "perk", right?!?).

     Because I'm too cheap (some may even venture to say, "miserly") to purchase cable TV (so I could at least have 167 choices of crap to watch!), I have been saddled with staring at the three, main broadcasting stations my age-old rabbit ear antenna can attract in signals...you know the ones:  ABC = Already Broadcasting Crap; CBS = Clearly Broadcasting Crap; and NBC = Nicely Broadcasting Crap.

     What I have discovered in my exhaustive daytime TV research is, the ENTIRE day consists of Talk Shows and Soap Operas and it's rather difficult to tell when one show begins and the other ends!  And when the odd occurrence happens that an actual actor carries over to the next show, I'm REALLY confused.

     I've learned a lot from the Talk Shows...nothing I've retained, but I KNOW I've learned a lot!  I've heard various tales of movie stars sharing their own stupid, little stories about their children, or their next movie, or what it was like to work with so and so, as if somehow their real, daily lives are SOOO compellingly different than G.Q. Normal...I've watched actors, who I'm pretty certain have personal chefs prepare their "real" meals, pretend to cook on national TV.  I've seen their Hollywood homes decorated for Christmas...which also strikes me as funny because I had always thought everyone of importance in Hollywood was Jewish!  I've watched families argue, cry, resolve their lifetime problems and differences all within the scope of an hour (doncha wish THAT were real?!?) just from the help and caring of a TV Talk Show Host.  Truly amazing things are happening out there in the land of BoobTube filming that I have been missing out on!

     And, as far as the daytime Soap Operas go...these are the things I've learned.

1.  No one ever eats at home on a Soap Opera.  If they did, there would be no opportunity to get caught in their dinner affair, be shotat, or be seen plotting someone else's demise.

2.  Even the worst of accidents or diseases can be cured with the right doctor...AND, it can be done in one week or less.  Blindness can be reversed, breast cancer treatments completed and in remission, and gun shot victims breathing on their own in a manner of hours.  Funny how no one has MS though, on Soap Operas...just not enough drama in THAT disease I guess! LOL

3.  Everyone has slept with everyone else's spouse, sister, aunt, uncle, brother, and cousin and this is all OK...this fact of daytime Soap Operas should make any real life practicing inbreeders much more comfortable with their chosen lifestyles!

4.  Drinking alcohol is a must to demonstrate not only one's tolerance, but also a depth of their despair...oh yeah, and then to also be able to get your nerve up to go sleep with your step-mother's brother's wife!

5.  No one smokes on Soap Operas anymore...it's not PC...drink, have unprotected sex, but don't light up!  Ratings would surely go down...

6.  No one has a real job on a Soap Opera...they talk about it...they pretend to go to meetings...but no one ever "produces" anything from their job.  Yet still, they ALL have lots and lots of money.

7.  No one has to go to the toilet on a Soap Opera...I find this really odd as toileting DOES occur daily for everyone...even those with the healthiest and strongest of bladders.  You never even SEE a toilet on a Soap Opera...I wonder why this is? LOL

8.  There is always a very wealthy family who's power influences even the littlest of people in the strangest of ways...the wealthy try to steal babies from the poor, move them from their homes, etc.  The only problem I see with this issue is, even the POOR people on the Soap Opera have bigger houses than I do and more stuff!  And remember, they don't go to work either...

9.  All emotional traumas can be worked through in less than a week to make room for another trauma the following week...it's quick, it'sefficient, it's forgotten.  But being the humanitarian I am, I DO still find myself pondering just how so and so is REALLY doing the next week?  I worry about their potential for Soap Opera PTSD.

10.  And finally, (you were seriously hoping for no more than ten...I know) People DO come back from the dead!  It happens all the time...I never knew this until I began watching Daytime TV...there is still hope for all of us!

     I imagine right about now, one of you is dialing my office (yes, the Mental Health Authorities!) to get someone over here right away, but I assure you I remain as sane as ever.  It might be a better intervention for me to have my electricity shut off so the TV goes down in flames with it...just a thought...