One of my coworkers likes to tell the story of his encounter with a particular psychiatric patient who was being detained...somewhere in the course of his interview with them, the person stated, "You know, some days it just doesn't pay to chew through the leather restraints".
By now this story has become urban legend in our office, but it IS a useful statement to describe my week...I feel as if I've been gnawing away at something holding me down, only to be "kept" in the place anyway! In other words, I've been putting in a lot of effort to free myself, which has become the very thing that has caused me to stay stuck here!
I have made it through my long work week of 50 hours, but not without consequences. I'M DOG TIRED NOW. I'm irritable (or at least more so than usual). My body aches. My fatigue feels overwhelming. I feel listless. My vision is "funky" to say the least. And my legs ache with that deep nervish pain. It certainly has not paid for me to chew through my leather restraints this week.
I have also unfortunately filled my weekend with all of the things I can't get done during the week when I'm working every day. I have to go to the Animal Shelter and turn in the papers to adopt Little Miss Runt so she can have her surgery this coming week and I can bring her home next weekend. I have a 60th birthday party to attend today of a coworker...it's somewhat of a can't miss ordeal as a means of paying my respects. Another friend is taking ME to supper tomorrow for my belated birthday...how can I possibly say "no" to that? And there are the usual "ToDo" items on my list of household chores to complete for the start of a four day work week on Monday...throw in my first Tysabri infusion on Tuesday, and I believe I've got the makings of a "perfect storm"! LOL
For a "normal" person, this list would seem hardly a burden at all...perhaps even a bit mundane. But for me in my current health, this list feels overwhelming. It's true that everything on the list is something NOT mandatory...certainly not as pressing as say, death or taxes. But the things on my listare all things I WANT to be able to do for various reasons and it is disturbing to me to feel this level of fatigue weighing me down. It is difficult for me to accept I may have to pick and choose to do the things of greatest importance and leave the rest behind.
Ah, the joys of Multiple Sclerosis...MS certainly has a way of interjecting itself onto the "fun" list doesn't it? It has a way of robbing the core of our being...our ABILITY to be and behave how we once were. I don't think it's fair to call it "apathy"...I don't FEEL apathetic toward my tasks, I just lack the energy and ability to complete them. I WANT to be able to do all of the things on my list, but I know the cold reality is, I'm going to have to cut a few items as a compromise to MS. If I don't, the lovely MS will do it FOR me and its choice may not be my choice!
So, I'm rolling out of bed in a few minutes to take a shower and get myself together to go adopt Little Miss Runt...that's a "have to" item. I'm NOT going to bake or cook anything for Flipper's party (coworker), even though I did commit myself to this task (crossing off the expectant baked beans and party items I was bringing). I WILL pay my bills tomorrow and wash clothes...gotta do that. The rest of my home will remain looking like a war zone. I WILL meet my friend for supper tomorrow evening...it's a free meal! And I will try ever so diligently to be in bed at a decent hour to try to combat this horrible insomnia and fatigue.
I suppose that restructured list does free me up some now to rest a bit...either that, or it gives me more time to chew on my restraints...