Saturday, September 23, 2006

I Didn't Have Children For A Reason...

     Somewhere along the way, I forgot to have children...OK, that's not entirely true.  I DIDN't have human children of my own, but I did help raise one or two along the path of my 42 year's existence...I think they turned out fairly well adjusted!  Neither of the three have ended up in prison OR on America's Most Wanted I might add! LOL

     But now, I have a kitten.  And, although not requiring any parent/teacher conferences or prom dresses, I am finding her to be more challenging than a HUMAN child.  At first, I thought she was a bit "touched" in the head BEFORE I brought her home...now I know she is POSSESSED instead!  (Note photo...I snapped it during one of her "transformation" periods.)

     My first day back at work yesterday was really quite uneventful.  But for some reason, when I finally got home and crawled in bed, I just couldn't find any restful sleep.  I tossed and turned, noting the time on the clock nearly hourly, until around 4:00AM...I think that's about the time I fell into a fitful sleep.

    At 5:30AM, the painful cries of Devil Kitty began outside my bedroom door.  This was WAY TOO EARLY to be responding to any need, except my own...and that was to SLEEP.  The pitiful cries continued, on and off for 2 hours, until I was finally FORCED from my bed, resigning myself to just get up, feed her, and crawl back to sleep.  Oh, but the ways of the Devil have no mercy!

     After feeding the Princess of Darkness, I fell onto the couch, thinking perhaps PD would allow me rest there if she could "see" me and keep me in her Devil's eye.  She had other plans.

     I dozed for maybe a full 15 minutes, awakened by the violent scramble of tiny cat hooves trampling wildly across my face, claws extended for better traction.  No blood was drawn, but "words" were exchanged between us.  My "No, Meha's!" were received on deaf and deliberately defiant ears.  She dashed wildly down the hallway, returning to attack my exposed toes the next time.  I finally got up and tried to do a few dishes.

     There was a period of about 10 minutes when the Seed of Satan was nowhere to be found...this is NEVER a good sign!  I knew she was summoning her minions for something big...I was not disappointed.

     The fresh scent of Devil's Poo lofted from the litter box..."Ah," I thought, "maybe she just needed to relieve herself and now that 'pressure' is off her mind, she'll settle down."  I strolled down the hallway humming a "happy" song.  I was not prepared for what I was about to find.

     From one end of the bathroom to the other and atop the sink counter and toilet lid, were small, Devil-sized foot prints of kitten poo, tracked in a random pattern all around the room...the Princess of Darkness was nowhere to be found...she was still "on the loose" somewhere in my home with unknown quantities of fecal matter attached to her hooves!  Then I heard the crash in the kitchen.

     I limped down the hallway to the kitchen to find my Fallen Angel prancing with her poo-infested feet on the KITCHEN COUNTERTOP!!!  Less noticeable, but no less toxic hoof prints could be seen all over the surface of the counter WHERE I PREPARE MY MEALS!!!  I took several deep breaths to avoid hyperventilation and snatched the Prancing Princess of Darkness from her stage and locked her in the bathroom with me.  There was much howling and gnashing of teeth, but I was eventually able to wash the bottoms of her feet and release her to the hallway while I proceeded to wipe up her bathroom dance steps.

     As you all know, I DO have a license to practice nursing, but my background is in psychiatry...it's a well-know fact psychiatric nurses (and anyone else in the psych field for that matter) DO NOT DO SECRETIONS!  Poo counts as a "secretion"...I don't "do" poo well...human or otherwise.

     I proceeded to gag my way through the bathroom wipe down, pausing frequently with a dry heave now and then...I cursed the Darkness...I prayed the infamous, "Get thee behind me, Satan!" prayer, attempting to cast out the demon possession in my home.  I threw the rugs in the washer and nearly gassed myself on Clorox.  Then, I tackled the kitchen area...I had no idea such tiny, little feet could carry such monumental amounts of "material" on them!  The Princess of Darkness eyed my every move.

     About 45 minutes later, I decided I had earned the right to check my email and, if Devil Kitty granted me leave, I might even be able to pound out a blog entry for today...Little Lucifer had other plans.

     While seated in the computer room, LL made her way INSIDE my junk closet, climbed to the top of the multi-piled and precariously stacked assortment of "junk", and carefully placed her weight in such a way the entire pile came crashing down!  I nearly had a heart attack from the noise...there was a brief moment I fantasized LL may have been hit on the head by a heavy object, rendering her a bit "touched" or "slow" as I had initially thought she was over a month ago.  I know I could keep up with a retarded kitten...how hard could that be?  (Oh, yeah...and so as not to be offensive to the profoundly politically correct out there, please substitute "retarded" with "developmentally delayed" if needed.)

     I finally closed off two rooms in the house and hid behind door number two, in hopes Devil Kitty might not notice I was missing...I held my breath in silent fear of her...she STILL found me!  We simply returned to how my day had begun at 5:30AM...my seemingly innocent kitten meowing outside my door and pleading for my attention!

     Although not Catholic, I am considering calling the Catholic church to consult...do they still DO exorcisms?  And does anyone know if they've ever performed one on a cat?...

8 comments:

sonyasuzanne said...

I feel so bad for you....as I'm sitting here laughing my lovely arse off!

This post was just what I needed...a good laugh!  

Hey, memaw has an attractive set of ear plugs for the snoring her hubby puts her through....maybe I could send you some just for a trial period?  Just a warning though...being in the medical field, you probably already know this...don't push them in too far!  Memaw has gotten to the point that we have to drag her into walk in care every other month to get the awful buildup out of her ears.  

Did that just qualify for TMI?  =)

Hugs!

baitulos said...

SUZY:  Glad you got a laugh out of my "pain"! LOL  Perhaps in a day or two, I will also find this something to "laugh my arse off about"...until then, Devil Kitty rules...

LD

mdmhvonpa said...

I wonder if there is a devil dedicated to posessing cats and spreading poo  ... there must be.  It just fits.  Katpooticus?

baitulos said...

MDMHVONPA:  I'll be calling the Pope to consult on this one later in the week...

LD

pjorpeej said...

Sorry, I have no tricks for poo bearing kitties... you're on your own Hon.  <giggle!>  

Hugs!
Peej

baitulos said...

PEEJ:  Thanks a lot...LOL  Got any patterns for fur-lined gloves should the Princess of Darkness not "make it" through the winter?!?

LD

pjorpeej said...

Mittens?  Ummm no.  I can't even sew on a button.  However, thinking this over carefully I've decided it might be easier (on you, not her) to make a muff instead.  One hand up the arse, one down the throat... toasty warm  ;-)

I think everyone owned by a pet threatens them now and then... I know I keep threatening to call "Husky rescue" on mine - they just look at me and grin.

Hugs!
Peej

baitulos said...

PEEJ:  I LIKE the muff idea!!!  Don't know how well Devil Kitty will like it, but I'm sure she'd let me know if it's an "inconvenience"!

LD