Friday, May 12, 2006

I Don't Do Stupid Well...

     I admit it.  I am losing brain cells.  I have lesions and holes in my brain.  Yes, I have MS.  But I just don't do stupid very well at all!

     I don't know if it is middle-aged brain or MS brain causing my most recent "brain farts", but these blips on my cognitive screen have become most annoying.  Today, I was in an important meeting at work and the brain farts began with no warning.  I was trying to speak about an important issue and I experienced severe word finding difficulty.  Being someone who always has a ready comment (even if it's  unsolicited!), this was quite embarrassing.  I struggled several times to recall and say very common words and concepts and I simply couldn't.  "Stupid" had set in and I was spellbound by it.

     I can adapt and change quite easily to the many curve balls MS has been throwing at me lately, but "stupid" is just not one I know how to swing at.  I'm pretty sure I struck out today.  My coworkers were their usual supportive selves, but I still felt waves of embarrassment and frustration.

     I suppose I should qualify some of my day by saying I had to work the night before until midnight and return to work at 8:00AM today for the dreaded "staff meeting".  I WAS tired.  I WAS bored in the meeting.  My mind was focused on what I was going to have for lunch by 10:00 o'clock.  Maybe "stupid" crept in because of these things.

     Whatever it's cause, it was most annoying.  I think the hardest changes I deal with in my struggles with Multiple Sclerosis are shifting my thinking and my self-concept to accommodate the many "surprises" MS brings me.  Cognitive changes are sort of my last area I am able to find acceptance in for myself...I loath the idea my mental clarity is failing me.  I despise the notion my average intelligence brain is now performing with less and less capability.  I can accept the outward physical changes such as gait problems, numbness, pain, etc., but the last area I consider "mine" is my thinking and my speech.  All I can say is, thank goodness MS has not robbed me of my sense of humor!  If THAT goes, I'm screwed!

     I actually just got home from work again after my very long 16 hour day.  I forgot I had taken the bus into town at the wee-hour-crack-of-dawn this morning and couldn't find my car in the parking garage.  I panicked thinking it had been stolen only to later realize it was never there in the first place.  My coworkers and I had a good laugh over this one, too, when I figured out my dilemma...I am becoming the office Brain Fart Mascot...perhaps I'll have T-shirts made with my title and picture on them to avoid confusion.  I am experiencing enough of it myself anyway...confusion, that is!


sonyasuzanne said...

I have to tell you that this has been the worst part of my illness....the brain/cognitive issues that happen to me all the time.  

No, I'm not college educated, only educated through the school of hard knocks, however, I've always read so much about so many things, and prided myself on my quick wit, fast math skills, and knowledge about most things.  The brain fart part is the hardest for me to deal with.  It's even affected my typing and emailing.  Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it, inside my brain.  

I'll ask Little Luv to yard the mow, or tell sissy that we have a load of dryer's in the laundry.  Not to mention my word's almost gone!!  Ahhh....that one is fun too!  I'm trying to laugh about it.  Those 'Suzy-isms' that my family loves so much about me.  

You know Memaw is 'normal', if there is such a thing, but last week she went into her church group meeting and sat for a good half hour before someone asked her why her car was outside, still running.  I had to laugh at her....only because that would be something I would do.  

Hang in there girl.  I'm with you every step of the way!  =o)

sonyasuzanne said... my last comment I wrote 'brain fart part'.  Dang, a poet that doesn't even know it!!

Lets call this new symptom BFP.....sound good to you??



ps....I don't even think I remembered to post my name on my last two comments.  See...there goes that BFP!!