Thoughts...

     I remember exactly where I was the morning of September 11, 2001.  I was asleep in bed when my telephone rang, stirring me from a pleasant early morning slumber.

 

     “I’m glad I finally got through to you.  We’re OK,” the voice on the phone line said.  It was a familiar voice with an unfamiliar tone.

 

     My most intelligent reply was, “Huh?”

 

     “They don’t know for sure where the other plane is right now, but they don’t think it’s heading to California.  So we’re going on toward the college.  I thought you’d want to know we’re safe.”  This was the voice of my partner of several years, calling from a college scouting road trip with the grand daughter in central California .

 

     “What are you talking about?” I responded rather indignantly, because I despised being awakened by a phone.

 

    “Don’t you have the TV on?” the now impatient and anxious voice replied.  “We’re under attack.  Someone just flew two planes into the World Trade Center towers in New York and a third plane is missing in the air.”

 

     I proceeded to spend the entire day with my eyes transfixed to the television set, staring in horror as one TV station after another replayed video footage of planes exploding and people running and stumbling in shock on the streets of New York City and in and around the Pentagon.  The entire country stood in painful disbelief that such an atrocity could happen on our democratic soil.  Businesses closed, airports shut down, and the normal bustle of the cities was silenced, as if ghost towns had replaced once vibrant areas of commerce.  Only those of us who worked in “essential services” i.e., hospitals, firemen, policemen, etc., reported for duty as usual.  But nothing would ever be “as usual” again in America.  We no longer felt “safe”.

 

                                             ***

 

     On the 5th anniversary of what will forever be known by the numbers 9/11, I find it only fitting to take pause and remember what happened on that horrific, September day.  I take pause to remember THIS day as I would any other traumatic or tragic anniversary.  I pause just as I do every December 14th (the day my sister was killed in an auto accident), or February 11th (the day of my mother’s sudden death), and so on.  I pause, not only to pay tribute to the many lives lost that day, but also to be thankful for the wonderful gifts that still remain in my life…gifts that feel even more precious to me since September 11, 2001.

 

     I also can’t help but ponder in my “pause” how or why such events happen in this world and I am truly saddened by the answers I see around me.  I will not write today in a manner that might seem callous to the deceased and victims of September 11, 2001, but rather speak my thoughts openly about the living…it is, after all, the LIVING who must learn from our mistakes.

 

     I have had to turn my television off this weekend because my stomach can no longer contain the bile that rises in my throat every time I hear, “The War On Terror” in relation to the 9/11 attacks.  This sentence and the rhetoric that accompanies it not only saddens me deeply, but also causes a shiver to run violently up my spine.  And this sentence is being repeated over and over and over again as the United States remembers the attack on our great nation five year’s ago.

 

     “The War On Terror”…I resort once again to consult with dear Merriam Webster.  This wonderful dictionary defines WAR as: (1) : a state of usually open and declared armed hostile conflict between states or nations (2) : a period of such armed conflict (3): the art or science of warfare 2 a : a state of hostility, conflict, or antagonism b : a struggle or competition between opposing forces or for a particular end.

 

     Furthermore, Merriam Webster defines TERROR as:  1 : a state of intense fear
2 a : one that inspires fear b : a frightening aspect <the terrors of invasion> c : a cause of anxiety d : an appalling person or thing 3 : violence (as bombing) committed by groups in order to intimidate a population or government into granting their demands <insurrection and revolutionary terror>

 

     OK, someone may want to call Homeland Security now before I go any further, because I’m certain I am about to piss somebody off somewhere!  If you look quite literally and closely at the words “war” and “terror” and combine the definitions of the words in a working sentence, it would go something like this:  “Declared, hostile and conflicting antagonism ON a state of intense fear.”  In even simplier terms, one could say “we” are fighting hostily against our own fears…we are, in essence, battling against a FEELING!!!

 

     A wise world leader once said (and that leader would be one of our very own presidents, Franklin Delano Roosevelt), “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”  My, but he had wisdom and wasn’t afraid to show it!  President Roosevelt didn’t have any degrees in psychology, but even he knew there was no army large enough or powerful enough to win a war on fear…even he knew there were no bombs or rockets large enough that could anhilate this feeling.

 

     I am here to tell you…and let me clear my throat and speak loudly…NO ONE WILL EVER WIN A WAR AGAINST TERRORISM…no matter how many bodies are bloodied, tortured, burned, or buried.  Because terrorism is a feeling, not something material or tangiable and feelings cannot be destroyed.  Hearts can be changed, feelings altered, and behaviors modified, but treating a feeling as if it is a noun is just plain crazy.

 

     Back in the days when land was plentiful and still under discovery, people fought over physical boundaries and ownership.  This practice still goes on in the United States, except we like to call it “Gang Warfare” now.  We have always fought over “stuff”…land, material possessions, boundaries, oil, etc.  World War II was one of the first wars fought over “ideals”…the United States engaged in this war to assist in bullying a bully who was killing innocent Jews because of a twisted “ideal”.  We were no longer fighting for “stuff” but rather had shifted to fighting over “idealogies”.  That’s not to say there were not other wars preceding WWII that also contained conflicts of idealogy, but WWII solidified the United States to fight for a “cause”.  There WERE material possessions fought over in WWII, however…these were the LIVES of thousands of believers of the Jewish faith…their literal bodies.

 

     A war can only be “won” when one side has something to lose and the other has something to gain.  The loss can be material, bodily, or idealistic…same goes for the gain.  The trouble I have with the rhetoric on this so called “War On Terror” is, it appears the United States and it’s people are the only side that has something to “lose”.  We are afraid to lose our possessions, our freedoms, our ideologies, and our lives.  We present ourselves as a country that has everything to lose and only a false sense of security to gain.

 

     Suicide bombers, no matter what their religion or faith (as I will not focus on ANY religion here), approach their mission with everything to gain.  In the scheme of things or the big picture, their loss of life is actually perceived as a mighty gain.  They BELIEVE that in givingup their physical life, the afterlife rewards will be much greater.  This ideology is engrained.  They override the reflexive fear of death with the power of their mind…with the strength of their conviction.  They have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

     Now, please do not misinterpret me here.  I am in NO WAY condoning the hostile act of suicide or mass murder via suicide.  I am in NO WAY condoning ANY hostile act against human life (or any other form of life, for that matter).  I am simply trying to provide example of how and why we can never win a “War On Terror” by fighting a physical war.  We can’t irradicate terror or the feeling of terror by taking possessions or eliminating the lives of others.

 

     Ah, to live in Utopia.  Wouldn’t it be just peachy if we could “all just get along”?  I doubt Rodney King knew how famous that sentence would become when he spoke out during the riots in Los Angeles…but it is simple truth and simple wisdom.  We DO need to all just get along.  So how do “we” do this?

     “We” do this by first becoming individuals and THEN becoming part of the mass collective.  “We” start with ourselves and work outward.  “We” start with confronting our own, individual fears and maybe, just maybe, believing that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself…”We” start believing again in our basic human values.  “We” start replacing our fear with faith (and I ain’t talkin’ religion here, either).  “We” begin to accept our shortcomings and our mistakes, and work towards greater acceptance of ourselves.  “We” strive to be a better person, always open to learning and experience.  And then “we” join the mass collective and bring all of these things into the group, accepting and growing in our differences and our similarities.  “We”, as a nation, stop acting like angry, righteous children and stop bullying the kids who look different than us..."we" stop pushing them down on the play ground and taking their candy.

    

     Maybe there are “bad seeds” born into this world that no amount of tolerance, education, or acceptance can cure.  It’s really hard for me to “go there” as a basic believer of behaviorist theory.  I have worked with children and adolescents (and some adolescent adults, too!) enough over the past 20 years to know reshaping takes a tremendous amount of patience and time…relearning doesn’t occur overnight…restructuring the human psyche is a tedious process.  Such is the way of changing our world, too.

 

     My mother used to respond to her children’s verbal bickering or fighting with this sentence:  “If you kids want to fight, go to the basement.”  I didn’t know how wise she was at the time when she would make this statement, but I smile knowingly now.  We knew right away what she meant when she would make this statement and we WOULD at least stop the outward verbal sparing.  You see….we didn’t HAVE a basement in our house.

 

     So, I leave YOU with this final thought about the “War On Terror”…If you kids want to fight, go to the basement.  My mother should have ran for president of the United States...

She's Driving Me Crazy...

     How could such a sweet and innocent face be so full of mischief and defiance???  Yes, I'm talking about that cuddly little kitten I brought home a few weeks ago...

     OK...I accept the fact that she's a feline and I also accept the fact she is a kitten...those two things alone should have been enough to steer me clear of this adventure!  LOL  But no...I just HAD to have a cat and I just HAD to have that cat be a kitten...DOH!

     The first week WAS all warm and fuzzy...she was just barely over 8-9 weeks old, recovering from having her female parts ripped from her tummy, and life at the homestead was full of new surprises and adventures for her.  I WAS her dominant human/caretaker/mother of sorts...that lasted about a week.

     She became increasingly "unhappy" with my decision to have her sleep in her own cozy bed in the living room and NOT in my private sleeping quarters with my bedroom door closed.  How do I know she is/was unhappy with this?  Because she promptly URINATED in my bed the first opportunity she had to dart into the inner sanctum!  Not once, but twice!!!  I got the message...the resolution?  She's just not allowed in my bedroom anymore for now.

     The first week or two, little Miss Kitty was far too small to make the giant leap from floor to countertop...she minded me soooo well, too...all I had to do was say her name and "no" in the bathroom to keep her from jumping toilet to sink.  I even bragged openly about how smart she was and how quickly she could learn...I was in cat heaven.

     Today, I came home from work rather exhausted, only to find little Miss Thang prancing wildly on the kitchen countertop...I guess she's grown a bit in two weeks!  Telling her "no" and removing her only seemed to make a game out of the event, so I tried to resort to distraction...that worked for about 5 minutes, until she saw the steam rising from the ear of corn I was boiling for my supper!  I finally just turned off the stove and proceeded to eat a partially cooked ear of corn...or atleast I TRIED to.  I've just discovered tonight, the cat food is hers, and the human food is "ours"...I finally had to stand up at the counter in the kitchen with watchful eye to snarf down my food. 

     Then it was off to the bathroom.  I should have known she was up to something by this time...she was just too quiet.  I found her attempting to dismantle the bathroom sink (you know, the one I thought she was so "smart" in avoiding?!?).  A bit more stern talk and "no's"...only to discover the toilet paper roll spun out on the floor like a grand opening ribbon awaiting it's cut!

     She calmly let me cut her claws THE FIRST WEEK...now her talons are so brutally sharp, I may have to get a padded suit to wear just to be around her.  She'll have nothing to do with the fine art of nail grooming these days.

     I suppose I should just accept the fact that in "cat years", she's in her terrible two's phase...she's just going to drive me nuts for the time being and I will need to learn to be less "anal" and live with it.  After all, isn't that what parents of HUMAN children learn to do?

     I can hear her right now in the bathroom again...most likely she is swinging from the shower curtain or licking the tiny pools of bathwater still standing from my morning shower.  I really need to remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater...mantra time...

Another One Of Those Days...

     Maybe it's the weather, or the lack of quality sleep, or the demands of a new kitten "meowing" nearly constantly.  Perhaps it is PTSD having to relive the upcoming anniversary of 9/11, the contemplation I feel from reading Suzy's blog at http://miss_suzy.typepad.com/my_weblog/ , or God forbid, the ol' Multiple Sclerosis knocking on my back door again.

     Whatever the cause, it seems I am either going to need a set of jumper cables to boost my inner battery today or a stick of dynomite to blow my arse off the sofa!  It's just one of those days again...

     "Something" is brewing just out of reach of my consciousness and physical body...I can't put my finger on it...I can barely describe it, let alone identify it.  It feels like a mixture of physical exhaustion complicated by a state of mental confusion.  One might immediately jump to labels like "depression" or other common ailments, but not THIS "one".  I've had depressions before and this state of being just "ain't it".

     Today is one of my few days off in the next series of seven...I won't see another reprieve from work until Wednesday.  Because of this scarcity of "down time", I have a list as long as my arm of things I either need to do today or simply WANT to get done today.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to motivate myself to even retrieve the list at this point in my day!  I'm not even sure my mind could FIND it in my current state of "fog".

     My kitten is curled up sweetly beside me on her pedestal...half on the stool, half sprawled across my lap... beside Ol' Faithful, the now functioning desktop.  She seems to have the right idea...naps are essential.  The weather outside is beautiful Pacific Northwest weather...not too hot, not too cold.  The sun is shining brightly, inviting me to soak up some essential Vitamin D.  The "hood" is quiet today...no one honking horns or playing bass in their cars so loud, it could shake my windows.  The music I am listening to is soothing and inviting.  But even with all this glory around me, I'm STILL having one of those days...

     I think I'll retire back to the sofa now and stop trying to fight "this"...no good has ever come from fighting...at least that's what my mother used to say.  Too bad she's not still alive to consult with our current government...

Counting My Nuts...

     It's only a few weeks until the "official" fall season sets in...Autumn Equinox is just around the corner, regardless of the still 80 degree weather we have been experiencing here in Seattle this summer.  Actually, this particular summer has been one of the driest seasons on record here in the Puget Sound Region...forest fires are abundant and the usual Emerald City has turned shades of brown and yellow...not exactly what the tourists were hoping to see!

     Working in the mental health field for the past 20 years gives me license to have all kinds of theories about human nature and human behavior...I've certainly seen plenty of both over the years and I've certainly EXPERIENCED plenty of my own "nature and behavior" over the past 42 of my life.  I have a particularly interesting theory about nature and the seasons however, and fall is one of my favorite times to spout this topic out...I enjoy the topic so much it may sound like a bit of verbal masterbation, if you will, so bear with me! LOL

     Homo sapiens are thought to be higher evolved beings than the other furry creatures that inhabit the earth, mainly because we have what scientists call a "conscience" (that, an opposable thumbs rank us right up there at the top of the food chain! LOL).  But we didn't just start out with this conscience, or language, or even the ability to walk upright (although I DO have a friend who knows my family of origin background who swears I am the first of my dysfunctional family to walk upright!). 

     Whether you believe in Darwinistic evolution or not, there is no one who can argue human beings haven't "evolved" over the past several centuries...good or bad, we HAVE changed, sometimes in spite of ourselves, sometimes to deliberately benefit our species.  The process of natural selection is alive and well...no matter WHO we vote for in THIS country. LOL  But I digress...

     It is natural behavior for ALL animals to prepare for the changing of seasons.  Mammals birth their children in the Spring to ensure there will be adequate warmth and food for their growth during the summer and fall months.  Fur-coated animals grow a heavier pelt in preparation for the cold of winter...automatically shedding this coat when the sun and season signal it is time to do so. 

     My favorite "furry animal" to watch during the season changes are the squirrels (Homo sapiens can bore me after a while).  Squirrels busily scavenge and bury seeds and nuts all throughout the summer and fall in preparation for winter.  I have read they take a "mental picture" when burying their booty, making a mental map of where to return to find this morsel of food during the cold, winter months. 

     If you are particularly fascinated by squirrels, you may have noticed in the fall months they will sometimes return to a previously buried food source, uncover it, then rebury it in the same spot.  I have always been intrigued by this behavior.  My personal theory is the squirrels are just "checking" to make sure the nut or seed remains where they remember it...an easy find for later or even an inventory of sorts.

     Human nature is not as highly evolved from the squirrel as we would like to think.  I believe in the fall season, humans also "check their nuts" to make sure they have enough to winter over.  The only difference is we are not checking our food source, but rather what "morsels" we have on reserve in our psyches to weather us through the cold and dark season of our souls. (I told you there might be a bit of verbal masterbation here...but no, you kept reading!).

     The coming of fall means the daylight hours will dwindle, the air will crispen with chill, and for some, snow may even begin to blanket and freeze the land (the snow part just doesn't happen here in Seattle, folks).  This natural progression into darkness can signal many things for humans.  Because our physical needs are so well met in THIS country particularly, we don't often go through the motions of storing food for the winter...we know we can just hop into our gas-guzzling cars and run to the grocery store whenever we are hungry or needing physical comfort.  There's usually no need to take an inventory of our physical possessions or food source.

      But the human MIND does resort to inventory taking...it's just part of the evolutionary process.  For some, fall or winter brings on SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), depression, or other ailments.  We sometimes feel an unexplained anxiety in these months and have difficulty articulating the cause.  People complain of feeling more melancholy, more tired, and actually needing more sleep.

     For me personally, fall is the time of year I take my own inventory consciously and "check my nuts".  Do I have enough friendship, financial security, love, peace of mind, solitude, and joy in my life (the nuts of my life) to "winter over"?  HAVE I COLLECTED AND BURIED ENOUGH NUTS TO GET ME THROUGH THESE DARKER DAYS?  Do I remember how to find my "nuts" when I most desperately need them?  And if I haven't got enough booty to get me through or I've somehow forgotten where I buried it, fall is the perfect season to scramble and "git 'er done" before winter sets in.

     My wish for all of you is that you have gathered an abundance of "nuts" over your lifetime and have spent the earlier months of this year adding to your own, personal inventories.  I hope when you "check your nuts" consciously or unconsciously this fall season, you will find all that you need and will rest peacefully through the darkness of winter.

Namaste,

Linda D.

I Fear I Am Contagious...Or Something...

     I awoke this morning BEFORE the obnoxious sound of my alarm clock...thank goodness.  There's nothing I hate more (OK, maybe one or two things I hate more) than having to wake up to an alarm clock, reminding me I obviously didn't get enough sleep or I'd AlREADY be awake!

     The alarm was set to wake me up in preparation for my return to see the Gut Doctor.  I've been a bit nervous about this appointment anyway because, as usual, I have not followed the Gut Doctor's instructions...I'm NOT taking the anti-cholinergic medication he prescribed for my colon blow problem.  Don't get me wrong...I DID "try" it.  But the side effects from the Levbid made me feel worse than the chronic diarrhea (too much information?!?), so I stopped it...not surprised, eh?  LOL

     After one dose of the Levbid, my palms/feet became swollen balls of sweat, I was dizzy, my throat felt like someone had swiped a piece of sandpaper through it, and I couldn't seem to wake up...I ended up sleeping for several hours during the DAY, which is something I just don't do.  Meha (AKA Kitty Ho) thoroughly enjoyed my somnulence, however...she took full advantage of my supine stupor and napped peacefully on my chest while I left out-of-control drool marks on my fine Egyptian Cotton pillow covers.

     The Gut Doctor doesn't really know me well (to his advantage, I'm certain!)...he's only seen me three times and the second one of those visuals was with me stoned on Verced, butt up, and viewing into the unexplored spaces of my bowel.  We didn't talk much during our second visit, or at least I HOPE I didn't say much at all! LOL  So he really has not experienced the true force of my non-compliant nature...my tornado winds of "NO, I don't want to do/take/talk/have/experience that".  And because I don't know HIM well at all either, I simply wasn't looking forward to this recent medical confession of non-compliance with his drug prescription.

     Because I work many evenings in my job AND because my sleep is so precious to me when I DO finally get a few winks, I turn my phones off at night.  After doing my morning bed ballet to ensure my walking capabilities, I flipped the phone on to discover I had a message waiting from the Gut Doctor's nurse...two messages actually. 

     Nurse Cathy was frantically trying to reach me to cancel my late morning gastro appointment because the Gut Doctor is quite ill.  It seems he partied his Labor Day Weekend in Canada and has been violently ill for the past few days...perhaps he smoked one too many Cuban cigars or something...who knows.  Whatever the cause, he is/was too sick to come to work today.

     I actually breathed a sigh of relief.  I don't wish illness on anyone, but the Gut Doctor's timely sickness was music to my ears.  I got to reschedule my appointment to next week, thus postponing my eventual disclosure of non-compliance, oddly feeling like a "lucky break" was had.  LOL

     After I hung up the phone with Nurse Cathy, I started putting a few thoughts together and realized my neurologist is ALSO out with a "pain in the neck" surgery this week.  Now, as far as I know, my team of other providers is alive and well, but I really haven't checked in to verify this claim and, frankly, I'm a bit nervous to find out the answer.  What if another practitioner on "Team LD" is also ill?  What if there's some cosmic force of connection to MOI that is dropping them like flies?  What if I'm contagious???

     I suppose I could insert evil laugh #3 here (the "mooohahahaha" one) and relish in the idea I could have such great influence or power over others, but even I'm not THAT grandiose.  Or I could worry that I have chosen a team of weaklings to represent my health needs, but that's not been my experience either.

     Once again, the reality of the human experience has set in and I accept the fact my doctors/practitioners are human...they get sick just like I do...I believe they even put on their underwear just like I do, although I've never cared or wanted to monitor this hypothesis myself. LOL  I DO sometimes wonder if they prescribe and treat themselves or if they seek outside consult for their ailments, however.  I wonder if they follow their doctor's prescriptions to a tee or if they veer down paths of recovery based on their own clinical knowledge?  I wonder if they REALLY disclose everything they are doing or feeling when having a check up?  Somehow I doubt it.

     I wonder if they tolerate me because they recognize their OWN non-compliant selves in my presentation?  Hmmm......

Shaking My Head At The Things I Read...

     Since tomorrow is Labor Day, it is only fitting I should have to report to "labor" at 8:00AM!  So, given the fact I will most likely be too pooped to party when I return home in the evening, I decided to post another entry tonight...just pretend it's tomorrow or something. LOL

     I receive daily news posts via a website that does query searches on just about any topic ( www.Topix.net ) and of course my query is on Multiple Sclerosis.  Topix.net randomly searches national news (and some international) and sends me an email whenever they get a "hit" on MS.  The most recent articles I have been reading are about the promise of Rituxan/Rituximab and MS.

     As many of you know, I participated in a MS/Rituxan Study this past year...that is, until they "exited" me because I was scheduled to start Tysabri.  The study was/is a Phase II double-blinded study...what this means is I was given two infusions of "something" last November, but I'm not privy to know if I got the drug or not.

     Given the extent of "new" symptoms I developed post infusions, I'm pretty certain I got the drug...also the minor infusion reaction I had during the first IV was a pretty telltale sign I got my (or the company's) money's worth.  But I won't know "fer shur" for probably another year or so, and only then if I follow up and ASK.  Yes, I was a human guinea pig!

     Back to the articles I've been reading...Genetech and Biogen Idec have released what they are calling "promising" Phase II results of 104 MSers in a Phase II study.  The companies are claiming "the drug showed a statistically significant reduction in the number of lesions compared with a placebo at 24 weeks."  I have no idea if I am considered one of those 104.

     OK...I'm fixin' to have an "I'm Just Sayin'" moment here.  I read these articles and I can only shake my head.  Since I'm pretty certain I got the drug and my Multiple Sclerosis WORSENED, I'm highly doubtful there are any of my personal statistics included in this report!  I developed more brain lesions POST Rituxan than I did in the 3 years prior to the study...this is a documented fact and not a made up statistic.

     Now, I certainly don't want to burst anyone's bubble here and trashing Rituxan is not my goal either.  But what I know to be true for ME AND ONLY ME does not match what is being reported...and, this isn't the first time.

     Living with a chronic and debilitating disease, in itself, causes great speculation.  I'm not special or different when I say, "I wish there was a drug to cure MS".  We ALL do...we ALL want something that will make our lives and our health a little easier and a bit better...we want to believe in these pills and infusions...we want to believe someone somewhere is altruistically searching for "the cure".

     I've said it before and I'll repeat myself now...Health Care in the United States is a business...a big, fat, money making business.  Altruism cast aside, the bottom line dollar is what spurs the research onward, not you or I begging or pleading for a "cure" (but I DO hope my begging influences SOMETHING as I doubt I'll stop).

     As high-paying consumers of Health Care, persons with Multiple Sclerosis should always keep a discerning eye on what we are being told about our health and our drugs.  After all, we're big consumers.  I read multiple blogs and message boards with various twists and turns regarding this drug or that treatment...I read about MSers ARGUING between each other which drug works better for what symptom, trashing each other's beliefs or values.  It's truly amazing...it feels as if just because we HAVE the disease, "we" are the sole expert about it and its treatment.

     So here's my "I'm Just Sayin"...

     My MS is mine and yours is yours.  I can offer you my experience with the disease or a drug, but that is the extent of my knowledge...because MY MS is specific to me and YOUR MS is specific to you.  I can only tell you what I know about me, but I have no idea how something might work for you.

     I can only say, if I DID get Rituxan, it had no impact on my MS at all.  That doesn't mean it might not work for you.  But I DO hope you will ask multiple questions and demand reasonable answers for yourself WHATEVER course of treatment you decide to take IF you choose to take anything at all!

     The thing that makes us most vulnerable (those of us with MS or any kind of chronic disorder) is our lack of knowledge or understanding about the disease.  I study DAILY about MS, either in the news, in chats, or consulting with my own body...and there's STILL so much I don't know.  I assume this "study" may be why you read this blog (because I have no earthly idea why anyone WOULD read it otherwise! LOL) and I hope I have a few helpful things to say now and then.  But study wisely...don't believe everything you hear and certainly don't believe everything you read will be true for you...even if it's in this blog or others.

     **Stepping off the soap box now***

I'm just sayin'.....

Where Do I Begin?...

     I had to go back and review when the last date was that I posted anything to the "Cheese"...WOW!  A lot can happen in a week!

     Let's see...where to begin.  I'll start with the TYSABRI infusion and work chronologically forward (or something like that).  TYSABRI is "in"...I remained off work for almost 6 days (wasn't scheduled to work all six, so it wasn't as dramatic as that sounds!) and recovered from my systemic joint stiffness/pain/severe fatigue for the most part.  Interestingly, my vision seems much improved, but as with any drug and MS, it's hard to know if it's the drug effects or simply the MS giving me a break.  I'll get re-infused on the 26th of September and will hopefully know more/experience better results with each infusion.

     I DID get my first EOB (the insurance note telling me what was charged and what they paid) for the cost of the infusion, which did NOT include the mega cost of the TYSABRI drug...Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named office charged my insurance company $3357.00 to run that bag of liquid gold in my arm!!!  And I didn't even get a snack, a neck massage, or my pillow fluffed!!!  I am a bit "sore" in the back side however, as it feels like I might have gotten a bit "screwed" by the billing! LOL

     I haven't had a conversation yet with Dr. SWWNBN office or with the good doctor herself about this outrageous bill...Doc just had her own surgery for a "pain in the neck", so she's out for a bit (should I be worried my neurologist has neurological problems???).  But rest assured I WILL be speaking to someone about this cost as I will be absorbing 10% of it...lest I remind you, I work in Social Services, not Microsoft!

     Adding into my mix of an already "interesting" week, I became the human pet for my kitten on Friday.  Meha made it home in one piece, and for the first 24 hours, she was a sweet and docile little kitty...I suppose I should accentuate the FIRST 24 HOURS.  She IS adorable (note chin and cat picture at the top), but also IS a kitten...we've had a few household battles, most of which, she has won (but I don't let her know that!).  We are learning to adjust to each other and she certainly isn't as "touched" as I first thought she might be...getting her away from her brute siblings has caused my "little flower" to blossom!  She had her first doctor's appointment last week (because everyone in my household MUST have a physician?!?) and everything checked out well...she now weighs 2 lbs. 9 oz...at this weight gain rate, she'll be a lioness in no time!!!

     Work was extraordinarily painful this past week.  It happened to be what is called my "back up" week, which is a polite way to say my "you'll work whatever hours we tell you to work, beauch" week!  Once every 7 weeks, my coworkers and I rotate through a back up week, which consists of a smorgasbord of hours we have to cover for anyone who might be on vacation or off duty for other reasons...these hours are NOT always reasonable or customary!  Fortunately, I share my back up week (also known as BLACKOUT week for descriptive purposes!) with my buddy, who I'll call Roger, because that's his name...it's much easier to manage with someone who is at least fun and encouraging! (BTW, Rojoo...I'm thinking of you and your mother and wishing you both peace during her illness)  But even our own "reasonable" characters did not spare us from a difficult back up week.  It felt like all I did was spend time at work toward the end of the week, having only about 7 hours in between shifts at one point...I became a tired puppy by Friday!

     Also by Friday, the lovely Western Washington heat returned, sending temperatures once again soaring into the upper 80's and low 90's...have I mentioned I hate heat?!?  My arse began to REALLY drag (as well as my left leg) by the time I returned home from work Friday evening.

     Saturday (yesterday), I awoke with an excitement I haven't felt in a few weeks...The GEEK SQUAD was coming to repair my desktop!!!  I was soon to be back on line (and how I am typing now...the laptop is just plain dead at this point, so it's desktop city from here on out).  TYLER, my personal GEEK technician, spent a few hours typing, downloading, computing, and repairing the horrible mess I had created on "Ol' Faithful"...I was just overjoyed she was repairable!  Meha, of course, became a kitty "ho" and slept for an hour or so on Tyler's lap while he slaved away on the puter...AND I got a T-shirt out of the deal with the GEEK SQUAD logo! (This only cost me $270.00 dollars...my neurologist didn't even give me a TYSABRI T-shirt and she is FAR MORE expensive!)  Whatever...I was/am happy to be back on line and the cost seemed well worth it.  Not to mention, Tyler's wife has Lupus, so we had lot's of conversation to share during his toiling hours and Meha's napping time.

     I've received some disturbing, if not down right hostile emails from a few of you, wondering when I'd be back on line and writing on "Cheese"...well...I'M BAAAAAACK!  So simmer down now...LOL  I hope this whets your appetites for a few hours...