Friday, March 31, 2006

I PUT ON CLEAN UNDERWEAR FOR THIS?!?

     You know, I didn't ask for Multiple Sclerosis to come into my life. It wasn't like one day I woke up, put on my fresh panties, walked out of my house, went to order a Starbuck's latte, and accidentally screwed up my order by requesting MS versus Soy Milk. It wasn't like that at all. And I don't think just because I used to stare at the "handicapped" rudely when I was five years old that I am somehow now being punished for my sins of the past. I don't think MS came into my life for any logical or significant thing I have done to evoke it. It just arrived one day and decided to stay on, in spite of my clean underwear.

     I have spent countless hours worrying, pondering, and analyzing the age old question, "Why me?", and to date, I have no sane answer. Oh, I'm sure there have been many choices I have made regarding my health in the past that could have contributed to the "Why Me" current question. But frankly, I have friends alive who are healthy and well without MS and they have certainly pushed their vices to the point they should be dead by now. Sometimes I envy their top-notch genetics.

     So, "Why me?" Why you if you are reading this and also have MS? Why does anyone have to have disease? Unfortunately, if you're looking for an answer here to this question, you are certainly NOT going to find one. I have none. The question only stirs more questions inside me on any given day.  And, if I allow myself to dwell in that realm of confusion for too long, I become overwhelmed and immobilized, unable to live the life I now have.

     The soup boils down to this for me: MS is here and I might as well suit up and show up with my fresh panties neatly fitting rather than suffering with a crumpled up wad of uncomfortable underwear.

4 comments:

monat77 said...

I am responding to this specific entry because I fear that I may be one of your friends who pushes the limits of life in many ways and remain healthy with no known progressive illness (fingers are crossed).  I did over do it a bit this past weekend and got sick with the flu!  For two long days I lied in bed and moaned and cried and asked "why me" I don't want to be sick, it really got in the way of me having a good time.    During this time I was able to read your blog and try and understand this MS thing.  Wow, to put myself in your shoes, to know that I just have the flu and will get better in the next day or two rather than have to wonder "is this it", "is this the big one".   While you were on mega doses of nasty steroids, handfuls of other meds, paced and colored, I took a bottle on NyQuil and slept.  What nerve I must have, calling you and complaining of how crappy I felt.  But that is why we are friends, to be there for each other.  I am thankful (in a weird way) for getting sick.  It gave me an opportunity to understand your illness from a sick persons perspective.  I admire the strength, wisdom and humor you take into every day.  You are a true inspiration to me.  Thanks!  

baitulos said...

Dear, Sweet MonaT77,

It is not the illness, but our perspective that counts!  And frankly, I don't want your "flu" either!  You are a wonderful friend who I count on for the good times and a shoulder for the bad...you may "bitch" to me at any time and/or be "sick" or needy!

LD

sbbridges said...

Very well said.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I try to have a positive attitude and outlook on life.  I don't have MS...MS has me and I am a force to reckon with!!!  I am a survivor and I WILL survive MS.  I wasn't walking when I came into this world and I may not be walking when I leave it.  That will just prove my theory....everything does goes full circle in life.

Suzanne

baitulos said...

Suzanne,

YOU GO, GIRL!  I strongly agree with your comment and I am happy another MSer is a "force to be reckoned with"!  Too often I have heard from others with MS (usually newly diagnosed) that they feel their life is over...frankly, my life was OK before MS, but my attitude sucked.  It only took the diagnosis to beauch slap me into reality and understanding I could "choose" a new life attitude and way of being.  MS is NOT a friggin' gift to me, but it sure has been an eye opener to see things I may have missed without it.  Best of luck to you...

Linda D. in Seattle